Reflux and colic.

At a loss

Are you at a loss, have a screaming baby and don't know what to do? Your not alone. Colic and reflux for babies is very common and can be frustrating.

Ariyah-Mai has really been struggling and well so have we. In my previous post I spoke about how she has been fussy, vomiting and had problems with her bowels. She is congested and full of cold on top of everything, which does not help. We knew there was something wrong but no one seem to listen. We were getting told to feed her more, then feed her less. That it is colic that she just grow out of it. That she is a good weight so there is nothing to be concerned by. However it took her being so ill and submitted to hospital until they realised enough to take action.

This is so frustrating as no one had listen to us for weeks! But at least something has now been done and we know to trust our instinct and fight for our little girl.

So these were Ariyah-Mai's systomes she displayed which could be reflux or colic or a combination, which we think she has. Therefore look out for these warning signs before it gets as bad for your baby.

• General fussyness
• Hard to settle to sleep or not staying asleep
• Painful crying for hours (worse in the evenings and at night) 
• Going red in the face
• Grimacing or scrunching face up
• Drawing knees up to her stomach
• Arching back and throwing their head backwards 
• Swollen or bloating stomach
• Vomiting - not just spit ups but projectile vomiting across the room
• Very dry skin especially across the forhead
• Very cling
• Eirther refussing milk or wanting to suckling all the time to relieve the acid.
• Sucking hands or rubbing month and nose with their fists
• Conispation or greeny diarrhea. 
• Very gassy and hard to burb

Ariyah-mai displayed all of the Above, She went from a calm happy, never really fussy baby to screaming all day, getting worse late evening and over night. She could not be put down flat and would cry within seconds. Nothing would consule her even milk. She seemed to suckly all the time, but when she did have her milk she was projectile vomiting all of it and having spit up even hours after feeding. She was just very fussy, grimacing and going red in the face, arching her back and pulling her knees up.  Furthermore she was also conipated from birth which turnt to bad diarrhea. 

We were at a loss, exhausted because we were getting no sleep, we were moody and snappy and just heartbroken to hear her scream like she was in pain. It would be distressing for any parent but after everything we have been through too,hear her in this much discomfort was so worrying. It made us feel like awful parents because there is nothing that seemed to settle her. It is hard to not be able to do anything, as everything we tried did not help or realieved it for half hour before all coming back. No one was listening to us, doctors, pediatrician, even in a&e. We felt alone, scared, frustrated, and just at a complete loss. 

Things we tried. 

We had to rock her upright to calm her which still took hours or walking around the house with her up on our chest/ shoulder. We used gripe water and infocol but it was hard to tell if it was helping when she was throwing up it along with her milk. Plus rubbing and patting her back constantly because she would not burb. Singing and talking to her or playing music which normally settled her just no longer worked. We sat her upright for feeds and for about 30-60 minutes after. She did not really like her dummy so would just spit it out to scream however a comforter, her monkey sometimes helped. We were giving her water after feeds to help constipation, as advice by doctor and midwive but other then getting rid of hiccups sometime it made her flemy and bloated.  

We would swaddle her so her knees where tucked up abit to help release the gas. We also used vapor oil on a cloth on the radiators to help with the damp air and because her cold was making her snuffly. We used saline drops to help with her congestion as well as cotton buds and suckon bulb to get the muscus from her nose out. We also got a humidifier which seemed to clear the air a little. When we had a shower we sat in the bathroom with her so the stream would clear her airways. These did help her cold a lot. So at least that was being relieved, but  her screaming in pain and vomiting got worse. 

Things got worse. 

After our last trip to a&e they advices to feed 3oz every 3hr which we did however it did not seem to settle her stomach as she was still vomiting and tensing her knees up. She was still suckling and screaming after feeds. A pediatrician at the hospital which was booked as a follow up from a&e just two days later agreed that she Was feeding too much but did not really explain anything else. He suggest dropping to 2 oz every 2 hr. However Ariyah would not wake up at 2 hr and would then go 3 hrs because it was impossible to wake her and force her to feed earlyer went she isn't ready. We were unsure whether to still give her the 2oz if she was going 3 oz. This was because it was not explained to us why they said to minimise amounts we were feeding. The pediatrician was not worried because Ariyah-mai weight was fine as she was 8lb 2oz. He said she seemed calm at the appointment, which any one with children will know that when your out, at appointment there babies are calm then get back home and it is a different story. Then medical professional do not see or realise and just think oh its normal for babies to cry. This is what the pediatrician told us.

Still frustrated and not knowing what to do. We feed her 2-3 oz every 2-3 hrs depending when she woke and was ready. Our baaby was still really struggling. And after a few days it all came back and the screaming in pain got worse. She not even old enough for pain relief or medication for cold.

On sunday 24th, whilst doing the night feeds, I was rocking her to sleep on my chest we were chatting about how heavy she was getting that after a while of rocking and calming her, our arms got numb. So we had to keep swapping between us to console her. The next day I got in from work the children I work with are all ill too and only 2-5 so I had one of them cuddled to calm him most of the day. Then scoop lifting pupils into chairs.  I had some of the bigger kids on the tamopline that afternoon where I had to hold them. Hence when I arrived home to hold Ariyah-mai I thought she was lighter then she seemed the night before.

Ben had not noticed and he been holding her all day because she just cried and was so unsettled. Meaning we did not think much into it, putting it down to me being at work. She always seemed littler when I got home after lifting and pushing the wheelchairs of children in my class. Also we assumed maybe she has a growth spurt which is why she was wanting more milk and her weight felt lighter as it was more disrupted where she got longer.

However after an unsettled day Ben went to rest, whilst I tried to settled Ariyah. She just screamed for hours, only sleeping for the odd 10 mins because waking up in discomfort. She was vomiting, was not interested in feeding. Ben said she has not really had as many  wet nappies as usual. We called 111 for advice and told a out of hours doctor would call us. Whilst we waited for that call, our baaby girl got worse so we Had to call for an ambulance. She went pale and had very patchy mottle skin. A rash had appeared on her chest, spreading up her neck. She would not drink much milk and just screaming.

The ambulance were worried about the colouring of her skin too, her observations (blood pressure and breathing rate where high,, whist her temperature was normal but on the lower end at 36 degrees. Her heart rate was slightly raised so they took her into hospital. When we got to a&e we were seen very quickly. They took her obs again and they were still high. The real shock was when they weight her she had lost about 2lb. This was from being weight at 8lb 2oz (3.74kg) on Friday now weighing only 6lb 5oz (2.96kg). I explained how I thought she felt light but with my job I did not really think much of it. They said because of the vomiting and lack of wet nappies that she was very dyhrated so need to tube feed her through her nose to build her fluids up. Doctors were trying to put it all down to broctalis because she had a cold and coughed every now and then. Me and ben knew it was more then this and deemarded to see a consultant to investigate more. We spent that night in a&e before being submitted to the ward the next morning.

Ariyah-mai was still being tube feed only 25mls every 2 hours. Despite it being hard to see our baby at 6 weeks old with a tube up her nose, she did seem more herself. She was not vomiting or crying in pain. Her colouring came back however she was still very pale. She slept a lot, whilst this was hard it allowed me and Ben to get a little rest as the nurses where having to do the feeds. I did get to tube feed her, which was weird because although I'm gastro peg feed pupils at work, feeding my own baby via a tube is just heartbeating seeing her so fragile.

That afternoon the consultant came to see her, finally somebody was listening to us. After explaining everything that had been going on and all that Ariyah was displaying  along with the raided weight lose she agreed that it was more going on. She actually got to witness Ariyah-mai screaming and tensing in pain which as much as me and Ben can explain it unless you really needed to see it for yourself and with hearing her crying. It becomes very apparent it is not normal baby fussiness.

The consultant first said it is reflux which then is causing coilic in the evening. This is because there is a build up of acid in the stomach which comes back up into her throat causing the burning pain which is why she is screaming and vomiting. The constant need to Feed and suckling is because when drinking her milk it will relive the burning in her throat which  making her reflux worse because her stomach  can not handle the large values at once. Hence feeding little and often is the key to reliving reflux babies. She said it could be an allegy to formula as well but unlikely as she not been sick whilst tube feed on the same milk. But it could be an intolence as lactose free milk is thicker therefore could help with the reflux.

After 24 hours of being tube feed we reintroduced her bottle at the same amount 25ml every 2 hours before slowly uping it to 60ml by the end of the afternoon. Along with being given anti-reflux medication in the mornings to manage the acid build up. The tablets could take up to 2 weeks to work and we been give a 5 week dose to then be reviewed in 4 weeks. The weighted her that morning on the Wednesday and she had gained all her weight back, plus another 2oz  now weight 8lb 4oz (3.82kg)

Now she gained weigh back and was taking the bottle without being sick we were discharge after two days in hospital. Once home we were told to up her feeds to 2 oz every 3 hr. We had the medication to give her every morning. She was still fussing and crying but much better and taking less time to calm down. She was sleeping more again which is good and her colour was back. We did continue to use gripe water and infocol to relieve the reflux whilst the meds kicked in. She was fine for a while but again did start to get fuzzy and cry again. She was a bit sick but once or twice rather then after every feed. The GP prescriped lactose free alimentum formula which is thick and does not have cow milk in. This really seemed to help but it really smells. It mades her smell but help her gas as well because we were able to burb her easier on this milk.

One other thing that was a real life saver was using a larger teat, because ariyah guzzlers her milk down, she took in so much air and was hard to burb. Even if we stopped that every oz of milk to burb her, she did not also do anything but just  added to the reflux, which trapped wind and being general uncomfortable. It increased her spit ups when she did finally burb. Therefore we first thought to use a small size 0 teat to stop the flow being to fast when actually many other parents of support pages told us to use size 2 because she then should not guzzle as she gets a quick flow of milk which results in taking in less air. We were reluctant to do this because she was premmy and we thought it would then mean she got to much milk at once and would make her vomiting worse.

When speaking to my step mum and sister. She told us to use size two teats. She is a pharmacist and had to do all this last year in her degree. I always trust what my step sister says because most of the time pharmacist actually have a more broader knowledge then gp/ consultant who specialist in one area. Therefore we went and brough some size 2 teats and since using them ariyah-mai has been a completly different baby. She has not been screaming for hours, she burbs easier and does not seem to guzzle all her milk down so quickly, this is helping with the colic. Ariyah still vomits sometimes or has spit up but far less often and it is more flem now where she is getting over this cold.

We have had a complete turn around. She does still fuss but calms much more easier. She is no longer screaming in pain instead it is normal baby crying for attention, milk or change of nappy. She is back to being her happy, calm girl, playing with her toys more. We have our baby back.

The only concern we now have is gaining her weight up. She has only gains an oz in 5 days as she only weights 8.5lb when the health visitor came round on Monday 2nd. We were advice to up her feeds to 3oz every 3 hours or if she wakes early at 2 hours giver her 1noz then give her the rest at 3 hr. Basically feed on demard but not to go too much at once because we will irritate her reflux. We have a clinic appointment next Monday 9th to see how much she has gained after another week. She also has het first immunisation next Wednesday on the 11th.

I can not believe that she is 7 weeks old today, she is growing so fast and despite all that has been going on over the last few week we now have answers, as well as things we can do to treat her. She is feeling better and I am so glad she is on the mend. She has started to really hold her self up, she pushes to stand which she loves to do as well climbing up us. She is beginning to try and roll which is fantastic as she loves laying on her belly so once she can full roll her self over we can lay her down to sleep on her stomach during the day.

When she has tummy time she is reaching for toys, lifting her head as well as pushing off her toes to move herself forward. I think we are going to have a early crawler. We are so proud of our clever girl and loving every moment  we get with her because they grow up to quickly. I miss her when I'm at work but love spending time with her and Ben at the weekend. This weekend we went to winter wonderland in Wimbledon where she met santa for the first time. This Christmas is going to be every special and exciting. With lots to prepare for.

Keep posted for our Christmas plans and about my upcoming surgery.

Milk troubles

Having trouble with her milk. 

If anyone has advise on formula feeding we be grateful for a comment. As we just do not know what to try, being told different things by doctors and pediatricians. So we do not know what to do next. 

We think she sort of has allergy or reflux with her milk, but no one will listen saying it is too early or advoiding the question. Just giving us suggestions about sitting the baby up when we feed her, and dropping down the amount we give her and how often. Without no real investigation or advise we are just not sure what to do. 

She started being feed every 2hr on 2oz on sma formula. However she seemed to still want more after it was finished and only going an hour or so before suckling and crying for more. She was getting very unsettled and would not sleep at night after feeds. Then when we finally did get her to sleep she was also sleeping longer and not waking so we had to wake her for milk. So we spoke to the doctor suggest we up her milk now she is 3 weeks and gaining weight nicley. We then went every 3hr and she was taking in 3oz, which at first was fine, until she was showing the some behaviour. Fussing, crying suckling for more,Sleeping longer and becoming hard to wake, drawing up her knees arching her back and going bright red. She has been conispation  which I have spoke about in previous blogs. Also screaming and becoming hard to settle in the evenings and night. Gp said possible clolic however can not be sure, but she will grow out of it. This was not at all helpful. 

Doctors again said to up the milk to every 4 hr and 4oz. She was sleeping though the night, waking for feeds, this seemed a lot more settled. So we ruled colic out. This also conisides with me going back to work and trying to set a routine so we thought that played a role in this behaviour too. 

However she then became sick, her cold got worse that she was trying hard to breath. All the previous fussyness, crying, arching came back. Despite trying gripe water and tried infacol, nothing smoothed her. She did not like to be put down or laid flat this was making it difficult to get anything done or get any sleep because the only time she was calm,  was being held up and rocked on our chests. Then the projectile vomiting started about an hour after every feed, along with ariyah-mai  tensing in pain. 

We ended up in a&e because of her vomiting, her cold was making it hard for her to breath especially at night when she was laid on her back. They told us that she was gaining weight and seemed fine. But that she was getting to much milk therefore we need to drop back to 3oz every 3 hours. That her bowel movements were normal for a formula feed baby and to keep giving small amount of water after milk to sofen her bowels. 

This time we dropped down her milk, giving her small slips of water after feeds. We kept her up right when feeding, taking breaks to burb in between. Ariyah is a very hard baby to burb therefore it took ages afterwards to burb and rock her to sleep. She liked laying on her tummy but would vomit. So we tried to keep her upright as much as possible. Things seemed to improve for a few days however it was not long before she was vomiting even more, fussing, she was coughing and made sound like she was bring things up when feeding. She seemed hungry all the time, where she was rubbing her month,, suckling on everything, her clothes and us. She brought up flem and was very dribbly. Her skin was really dry and she would just scream in pain again for hours. We just knew something was wrong and at our whits end. 

No one would listen and as a parent that is frustrating. Trust your gut and just do what you feel is best. Get medical advice but also push when you know that there is something wrong. We still doing this and if I have learnt anything in the journey of parenthood is fight and push because otherwise nothing will change. You know best!! 

One good note our little girl is getting so big and strong, she loves tummy time and now holds her head up and tries to push through her arms. She likes to stand and bounce on us. She pulls and copies facial expressions and is just very alert watching us and the cats. She loves laying with them and stroking Hayes (he is the friendly one that will let her grab his fur abit) She has realised she can use her voice to get our attention and have a chat which is amazing.

We have a very clever girl on our hands. 

Resent photos of our beautiful rainbow. 

Going back to work

My first week back.

I went back to work this week after 4 weeks off and I was so hard to leave ben and our baby girl at home. At the same time it was nice to go back, I had missed the kids and everyone had missed me. The kids in my school were very excited and all the staff were asking about Ariyah-mai. It was lovely to be able to talk about her and show everyone photos however it also got frustrating because I was being asked the same thing over and over. 'are you sleeping', 'how is she feeding and sleeping.' which got annoying after answering the same thing several times. Plus making me miss her even more. However everyone is excited to met her.

I also liked that I was able to just get straight back into the routine, I had not missed too much so caught up to some changes quickly. It was like I had never been away. I was leading and planning sessions and able to get a routine at home as well. I would do the morning feed before going to work, give Ben a little more sleep. Then got things ready for him for the day before I left. Then when I got home I did the afternoon feed while Ben made dinner. After dinner we bathed or cleaned Ariyah-mai, and get ready for bed. Then Ben would go to sleep while I did her evening feed before putting her to sleep and going to bed myself. Ben would do the two night feeds so I should sleep enough to go to work.

We did have a few rough nights while our daughter got used to this routine, one night she kept us both up and just would not settle. We then upped her milk and that seemed to help abit. So we think she going through her first proper growth sprit. She is now in newborn clothes for up to 10lb, But can still fit in tiny baby up to 7.5lb clothes. We finding she in between as some tiny baby clothes are alittle small or short on the arms but newborn is still really big. She like to curl her legs in and bend her arms so she end up getting her arms out of the sleeve in her sleeepsuit. Thus ending up tuck in the torso part of the clothing.

She did settle towards the end of the week, and is now sleeping 4 hours over night and taking 4oz of formula. Letting us get some rest too haha. But she is just growing and learning everyday and I hate that I have to go to work worried ill miss her first smile or when she rolls over. She is awake more during the day now and love to study our faces and starting to use her voice to chat to us.

This weekend was lovely to just spend time with her after being at work. She was very awake and just wanted my attention. She was grabbing at my face and fingers. Making faces at me. We played on her play mat but she just want to be held and have that interaction with me which was amazing. She starting to try and smile but not quiet there yet. She does copy facial expressions, poking her tongue out. Then she started really talking by screaming at me and I would make the same notices back, then if I stop to talk to ben she shout til she got my attention back which was very funny.

She really is our little miracle and to hold her and watch her learn and grow is the most amazing and precious gift ever.

1 month old now:

Travelling with a baby.

First trip away--halloween.

Travelling with a baby can be daulting

especially for the first time, but it does not have to be stressful with careful planning.

When it come to packing I always over do it because of my OCD, but this helps when packing for a baby because packing extra is essential. We were away for 4 days so I packed double the amount of Sleepsuits. Just in case she is sick or anything it is always good to have more then needed. I then packed 4 short sleeved and some long sleeve vest incase it got cold, or again she was sick. I packed an outfit for everyday plus one spare and extra tights. I pack trouser bottoms along with the tights taking into account. The time of year and being in whitsable is a lot colder then London. Along with this I made sure we had hats, mittons and socks. I packed two lots of baby shoes, her fox boots for the cold then her glitter silver shoes to go with her dress when we went out for dinner. I also packed around 6 bibs and 8 muslins. These are for sick and burbling we get through many them very easier.

We had to take a big pack of 70 nappies, big pack of wipes and some travel one for our travel changing mat attact to the pram. Then the tin of baby power. We had travel pots with powered in and the flask with hot water for making bottle on the go. We took 6 MAM bottle with us which we brought especially as we knew we be traveling. Not only are the anti colix and reflux bottles, they are small to pack, as well as being able to self sterilize in the microwave. This is important when traveling and staying away from home to ensure bottles are still sterilized without having to take loads of equipment. We have bottle thermus bags that keep the milk bottles warm that attach to the pram which are very useful.

We took 4 blankets, one thick pram one and one for bed then thinner one for during the day and to swaddle her in. Her pram suit to keep her warm when we are out. Her toy money and rattle toy come with us too as can not forget favourite toys. Two dummys in a sterilising pot, a dummy clip. I also took her travel wash bag, which has a thermometer, nail clips, brush, snot sucker, file, wash clothes. I took a towel and travel bodywash, shampoo and moisture that we got as a gift from children's farm. We also took hand sanitizer as well for when we are on buses or trains.

Furthermore it is all about packing extra, planning for what you will need, if out and about on trains, buses or traveling in a car. Preparing bottles on the go and making sure you have things incase the weather is cold, raining or hot, can never be sure in England.

We were only going to our friends house who also have a 2 year old, meaning they had some things they kept like muslins, blankets, toys ect... They have a spare bounser chair we gave them as well as a baby monitor. They could wash things if we needed or ran out of clothes. As well as having a dishwasher and microwave for us to wash bottles. Where as if you are traveling abroad or staying in hotels then other things may need to be taken into accent, like plug in bottle sterilizer or bottle warmer if there is not microwave available.

Ariyah-Mai is still very young that she slept most of the journey and is easy to feed or change on our laps eirther in the back of the car as a pit stop or on the train. She also was able to sleep in the carry cot of her pram because we have a proper carry cot pram with thick matress. Therefore we did not need to take extra travel cot. Our mose basket is a travel one if we do need to take it, which we are most likely to over Christmas for my surgery and staying with family. We knew we be travelling so when we were pregnant we ensure we brought things that would help and be useful when traveling, like a fold up mosess basket, lift weight pram, flasks, powered travel pots, skip hop travel changing mat which clips under the pram. So there are lots of items that can make traveling with a baby less stressful. While they are still young is the best time as the sleep and are easier then when they start walking, eating all the time and are harder to keep still or entertained.

Anyhow we had a lovely time away, it was so lovely to see how excited our niece was, she kept asking for cuddles and was so gentle with her. Gi was a very helpful big cousin bring Ariyah her toys, muslins and things we needed. She got very excited and kept saying nappy change whilst bring us wipes and nappies which was funny. We had a lovely day out for lunch for Ron birthday. It was lucky we packed lots because she definatly went through clothes and muslins. It was very cold and even rained on the Saturday when we were out but lucky she was layered up and warm. We got to see friends that we had not seen for ages and they loved meeting Ariyah-mai. She a very loved and spoil baby getting more cards and gifts.

Ariyah-mai did get a bit unsettled however that was mostly because she got a bit of a cold the second day in, she was snuffly and we had to buy some saline nasal drops. We did also go home early as my dad and step mum came to see us then drove us back to London because she did have a cold and being so young we needed to just be home.

Overall was a lovely trip away, got cute photos and spent time with friends and family. Also to know we can travel and what to ensure we take when we go up to Hull in a few weeks.

Photos from the weekend.

First adventures

Life with a new born. 

Ariyah-Mai is now two and a half weeks old. I can not believe how quick it has gone and just how big she is getting. The community midwive team have discharged us because she is doing so well. Her jaundice is basically gone, her unbiblical cord fell off in the first week so her belly button is all healed. Ben is doing well and healing great, so everything is amazing. Ariyah-Mai is now almost 7lb, she is feeding, growing and sleeping perfectly. She Bearly moans or crys, she stirs a bit when we change her because it is cold or if her milk has to cool down when she is ready. Other then that she is a calm happy baby.

The only issue we have had is with her being slightly constipated, however because she is going it just hard small balls the doctors are not concerned. They have told us to give her a few slips of water after each feed which seems to be helping a little. She did have a bit of blood in her bowl movement so we did have to get an out of hours doctors because she was straining in pain and crying too. But as I said the water seems to help and it is slowly sorting her tummy out. Along with massaging and bending her legs up to her stomach. Another tip is to bicycle the baby legs tucking one knee up to belly and the other stretched out, then alternate the legs.

We have also been out a few time with her already, mainly shopping to get her smaller clothes because even newborn clothes do not fit her. We had to search for tiny baby up to 6lb clothes (matalan had a large range). She is so good and content even on the bus when we have to get her out to feed her, or walking around shops. Everyone is so surprised by how small she is, thus she has got a lot of attention. People ask how old she IS, when we state her age people are shocked and say how brave we are to be out with a 2 weeks old. I do not think it is brave it is just want you have to do. When we do not have a car and when we need things. Life has to continue and it is better then being stuck in doors.

We have got a routine at night now, where I stay up til mid night to do night feed, then Ben will do from midnight til morning. Ben will nap during the day however I can not nap in day light but getting from 12 - 6 am is enough for me and tbh I slept less  before the baby Wass born. This routine works for us and especially when I go back to work.

Emotionally we are doing very well too, after everything we have been through, the constant fear and snuggle everyday all seems like a long time ago. It is all worth it and don't even seem reliant now. After lossing Nico and then Ariyah-Mai being born early we are emotional and have had a few happy crys but that is all to be expected. Despite this and the tirness of having a newborn we are coping very well, the midwives, doctors, health visitor and family & friends all comment on how well we just took to parenthood. This is because me and Ben have been ready to be parents for a long time, with our jobs and past experience we know what to expect and for now, everything is just perfect.

I am sure we will have many chanellges thrown our way, from Society and from our daughter for sure. But I know that with all we have faced that me and Ben can get though anything together.

This weekend she had her first little hoilday to whitsable to go stay with Ron and Scott and our niece, who was very excited to met her little cousin. Ron and Scott are a trans, and non binary couple who have got three children. Ron carried his two sons before transitioning. Then Scott carried there daughter after socially transitioning however before hormons or surgery. I have known them for years from uni, so was there throughout them having their youngest now they have been there for us with Nico and Ariyah-Mai. It is very special that Ariyah is going to grow up with a big cousin who has two daddies like her. Meaning they can confined in each other and know what each other may come across from other people, mainly when starting school. Even though they are not blood they are family.

I will update next week on how our weekend and first Halloween away was, with tips on how to pack and travel with a baby. I hope everyone has a great Halloween 🦇

 Ariyah-mai with her brother Nico 

Update on parenthood

preparing for an early baby.

As you know that our daughter was born 5 weeks early, we were excepting her on the 13th of November at 39 week via a planned c section however our baby came 4 weeks before that at 35 weeks. Therefore we were not quiet as prepared as we would have liked. Meanwhile we did have everything we needed and were very fortunate that my OCD meant we were ready even for the early arrival.

I had everything planned and prepared for the baby for weeks because of my OCD, but still had a few things to do as well as blog posts planned which i will do a brief combination on this one in terms of what I still wanted to talk about, this includes packing a hospital bag, how we were treated as a trans couple in the world of maternity. along with talking about our future plans, surgery and ben's c section recovery.

Hospital bag.

There are many items that are essential in a hospital bag, which can be found online with suggestion lists and baby apps which advice people hat to take however many of these list apply to mothers, not fathers giving birth so our bag diffed, not a lot but there are some items we did not need and other things we did. Along with knowing that we were having a c section meaning we had to stay in hospital for a few days. Many lists found online are general one day stay for low risk, full term labour. this was not the case therefore i needed to plan ahead. Due to having the stitch placed we knew that there was a possibility that our rainbow would arrive early thus me starting to plan and pack our bags early. Many professionals, books, apps suggest having everything ready and packed by 36 weeks however i had our packed fully by 28 however started at 24 weeks. 

There is certain items as a trans pregnant couple we did not need, these were things like breast pads or a breast pump, or make up and feeding bras like most lists will suggest. Obviously some pregnant males may need some of these things if they had not had chest surgery beforehand and wanted to chest feed. As well as some women who are pregnant may not need these things if  they could not breast feed because of medical reasons or personally did not want to breastfeed. Then being male some other things we needed like boxers to go other the disposable knickers to make it easier that Ben had to wear knickers to hold in pads. This is because boxers do not hold pads in well but mentally having boxers over the top helped the discomfort for that area. 

Things we packed:

babies bag- 

• Preemie sleep suit 
• preemie vest 
• 2 preemie nappies. 
• Two newborn short sleeve vest and a sleep suit
• Long sleeve vest 0-3 
• 2 short sleeve vest 0-3 
• 3-4 sleepsuits 0-3 
• pack of nappies newborn size 1 
• pack of baby wipes
• 5 muslin
• 3 dribble bibs
• newborn socks
• 2 mitten's
• 2 hats
• going home outfit- personalised vest from Nico, with rainbow leggings. 
• rainbow bib, matching rainbow mittens and hat 
• pre made SMA formula bottles, with teats. 2 boxes of 6.
• car seat
• 2 blankets.
• dummy, teddy and snuggler.  

for us. 

• 4 boxes and sock each
• pj bottoms for Ben
• shorts and jogging bottoms for us both
• pj bottoms and top for myself.
• the 4 tops each. 
• wash bag: with flannel, body wash, body spray, tooth brush and tooth paste and a brush.
• chargers, and battery power bars
• note book and pen.
• slippers
• pads for Ben and disposable pants.

Originally I had only packed one day emergency stuff for us in the suitcase, so one top and joggers with PJ and underwear for us. however when Ben started having contractions on the Sunday night and we got submitted, I went home on the Monday do finish off any last bits of cleaning, setting up and packed the rest of our stuff. Ben's aunt then picked me up to take all our stuff to the hospital while she keep some baby bits and the car seat with her. Luckily I did have most of it packed, I just grabbed it and left. I also made sure cat litter was clean, emptied the bins, and had a quick clean of the house. I sorted out the Moses basket with a sheet in our room and put a sheet on the cot.

We were very fortunate that we dd have a lot of stuff already packed and the nursery was all set up. The Saturday before having her was the baby shower, which meant I had deep cleaned the house house before the party and then cleaned up on Saturday night. me and Ben were so excited that we put away all the stuff we were given from the baby shower, sorted her last bits out and washed all the new stuff we had been given. Despite how planned we were it still was a last minute rush to come home, clean, grab extra things and make sure everything was ready. There were still things that needed to be done once we were home. 

More so no matter how physically prepared we were that is not enough to mentally be prepared. We had a few more week until we were expecting her therefore was surprise and taken back by her early arrival. In which it still seems surreal that we here when she is not meant to be for another 3 weeks. But I would not change anything at all, her early arrival was a great surprise and changed our lives for good. 

Although I did pack early and had everything however because Ariyah-Mai was born weighing only 5 lb 2 oz, was just tiny and too small for most of the clothes I had packed for her. Tina and my mum brought us preemie tiny baby clothes so she has things that fit better, thus keeping her warm and not being hug. Tiny bag clothes were still a bit big at first but fit perfectly now. 

How we were treated:

When planning to get pregnant as a trans couple we had to be very aware that it was not the norm and many people both in the public and professionally had never come across our situation before, therefore we were ready to be questioned, miss gender and just generally having to always explain ourselves. Overall we were very surprised at how we were treated though out both pregnancy. We ere treated as male, and both as dads majority of the time. There was a few time we did have to explain however most of them times were out of curiosity and actually by professional who wanted to know in order to help or treat us right. This was nice to be able to openly have these discussions in a positive educational way, which is what we wanted. Both myself and Ben are open about our transition, we rather people ask questions so they can learn as long as they are respectfully and are genuine rather then being judgemental. of course there were a few occasions that Ben got mis-gendered however most on the time it was either corrected and they apologised because it is inherently a women world. or it was on passing by cooks, cleaners or a nurse assistant who did not know us or has access to our notes. 

We are so thankful to everyone who cared for us through these difficulty pregnancy, to our specialist who did everything they could to ensure our rainbow was safe. to make sure Ben was supported, reassurance and completely treated with respect being a pregnant man. Our specialist and midwives stood up for us and fought our care the whole time. getting us extra scans, changing notes to say he or father instead of mother. This really made a huge impact to us. as well as spreading awareness of trans pregnancy to other staff members. How we were high risk with a loss previously then such a complicated pregnancy following Nico to then ensure we were supported and that our rainbow Ariyah was safely delivered into this world. It really meant so much to us and we could not have asked for better support and treatment that we received. We formed bonds with many staff members and everyone in the hospital was cheering us on and became apart of our unique journey. 

I hope that this paves the way for many other trans men that follow, so that they receive as much love and acceptance as we did. That with our journey so many staff were asking questions to learn for themselves and in the professional work to ensure they could treat others with the right care they deserve. We will continue to educate people as Ariyah grows up with her two trans daddies, I am sure they will be many other professions and general public that will be intrigued to learn about our family. Though this blog, our social media and you tube channels we will educate and promote trans men birthing and bring up their own children. to show younger transgender people that they can go on to have the family they dreamed off, that hormones and surgery does not stop them carrying their our biological children nor does it mean they can have a family and life they want. 

We will also teach our daughter to be open minded and accepting of difference, to just spread love and care to the world. that as long as she is happy, true to herself she can be or achieve anything she wants to. whilst respecting others peoples opinions and also channelling their views. to educate and spread awareness. we hope she is proud of us and carrying on in our footsteps to be accepting, open minded and willing to push the social boundaries in this world. 

Future plans and update. 

We now have our beautiful girl to concentrate on and care for, it starting to settling in now that she is actually here, especially as it draws near to the time when we were actually excepting her. All the first week busyness has calmed down so we can just spend time as a family to enjoy all these precious moments as they do last long, she is already growing to fast. Ariyah Jaundice has settled and we have all got into a routine. She is very awake and alert more now especially at night. Where me and Ben take turns to feed her. Ben will slept after dinner til midnight while i feed and watch her then Ben will take over while is sleep til are 6 am. Then during the day we take turns napping when she naps as well as doing the housework.

Ben and I have defiantly settled ourselves more even though we will forever be worried and on edge with her mainly because of losing Nico and fighting so hard to have Ariyah. However we have started to relax, At first we could not sleep well one of us had to be awake to watch her. at night when we put her down in the Moses basket to sleep we were constantly worried About her in term of (SID) Sudden infant death. despite knowing about safe sleep we still worried. Now we are a bit more relaxed that we can bot gets some rest when she is sleeping. She is such a quiet sleeper to so we found we were constantly watching her and checking she was breathing, every slight noise woke us both to ensure she was fine. I believe this will never completely go away because after losing a child that leaves this fear within you. Thus making us worry about Ariyah, fearful to losing another. Whilst we know she is safe it still hard. but as time goes on and she gets older I know we will learn to relax and not worry so much. 

We are still trying to sort out our finance because that is another thing effected when having an early baby. As maternity allowance is yet to start, even though we put the application in weeks ago because it can take up to 14 weeks despite her being born early it means we will not get any maternity money for a while, child benefits also take a few weeks to be sorted meaning that even though we will get it all back dated to the day she was born we are still out of pocket for now. This is due to Ben being signed off on bed rest during the pregnancy which lead to having to get universal credit to keep us a float. then it meant he was not entitled to maternity pay from his employer because of being of sick, he was not told this til last minute and he work have not been the best support during the pregnancy, they tried to put Ben on disciplinary due to being off when his was discrimination and illegal, once they saw we knew this was against his rights and that they could not do anything they just made it difficult for Ben. Now we are in limbo waiting to maternity allowance and benefit to set in whilst relying on my wages. Despite this we had money aside and have had some amazing friends and family who have helped us out. 

We now have A lot look forward to and plan. Everyone wants to come visit and see her which is lovely but also making sure we have time to ourselves while I am still of work. I Am lucky that it has been half term meaning I got 4 whole weeks off instead of 2. It will be hard to go back to work and leave Ben at home with Ariyah, but I have to. It will only be for 5 weeks because it is then Christmas. I am then going to be off work for a while as I actually Have my date for my chest Reconstruction surgery. Which is the 18th of December, it is in hull o there is lots to plan for in terms of a place to stay up there for us all and friends coming with us to to help Ben with Ariyah. She will only be 8 weeks old and i will not be able to do anything for the first week or so then i still have to be careful for several weeks after. This means Ben will have to do a lot of the housework, cooking and caring for both me and the Baby. Pay back for the months I looked after them during the pregnancy (joking). it will be difficult but me and Ben can get through anything together. I will update n the blog when i have surgery and how it went. 

Other medical things we are looking forward to is hopefully Ben going back on testosterone after his 6 week post birth check up. The doctor said he has to wait at least until then to allow healing after a C Section and for pregnancy hormones settle before then going back on testosterone and having more hormonal changes happen. He came off testosterone when we were planning for Nico in august 2017 so 2 years ago, so he can not wait to go back on, although there was not really any physical changes coming off hormones other the cycles returning and ovulating in order to conceive it is more the mental side of restarting testosterone and continuing his journey in transitioning with hope of lower genital surgery next year. 

For now we are just enjoying our Rainbow miracle and planning as a family. we will continue updating on how Ariyah is doing as well as our transitions and life as trans dads. so keep updated. 

(Written 1 week 4 days, old)

First week of life.

1 week old already.

I can not believe Ariyah-Mai is already a week old. It has gone so quick. I can not even remember a time without her now. All that struggle and fear we had over this pregnancy just faded away the moment we saw her and heard her scream. That moment that she looks up at you, with so much love and trust in her eyes is the most magical feeling.

For the first 3 days we were in hospital after having her, this was mainly due to her being 5 weeks early however also with Ben having gestational diabetes it meant they had to test Ariyah's blood sugar levels, every 12 hours for 72 hours. To some extent it was nice to be kept in because it gave us that time to ourselves along with having the midwifes there to help if we had any concerns. Not that we really needed them, as they left us to it, where they saw we were very capable.

Ben was sore and weak after having an operation. He therefore was not able to pick her up, move around, bend or anything really. He was so tired, even more so being in hospital helped by having people around. Lots of the midwives, hospital staff in general including the cleaners and cooks came in to she our daughter. As Ben and I had been submitted into the hospital a few times, everyone got to know us, or heard about our journey. So after losing Nico everyone was there supporting and cheering us on throughout this pregnancy. The staff were just as pleased and relieved when we had her. They all came to congratulate us. We also had the bereavement midwives who we had been seeing after losing Nico and the mental health midwives, come make sure we were coping and how we felt as well as having a cuddle with the baby. It was lovely as we were very looked after in this hospital, other then the occasional health care assistance or cleaner, who did not obviously have access to Ben's notes would miss gender Ben a bit or not understand our situation. On the whole we were treated both as dads, with the respect and acceptance that we needed.

Ben's Aunt and cousin Ellie came up to visit as soon as we had her, she was about 2 hours old. This was so great to share our excitement, with Ben's family. It was great they came to met her, as well as bring us all her stuff. They also came back the next day with some stuff they brought for her and food for us. Ben's other cousin Jade came to see her on the Saturday before she went away. However would not hold her because she was too small. It is so important that he has his families support, so amazing to see them helping us and coming to visit Ariyah-Mai.

On saturday my mum and step dad ( glam-ma and grandpa) came to see their grand daughter. They also stayed to take us home after the paediatrician did Ariyah's checks, blood sugar and discharged us at 7 pm. She had gained a good amount of weight and all observations where great. She did have light Jaundice however was not high enough to need treatment. This meant we just had to keep an eye on her. If she got anymore yellow or was not feeding or having dirty nappies we had to bring her back. Jaundice is very common and is a slightly yellowing of the skin and whites of babies eyes. It happens because their is a higher amount of red blood cells that need to be broken down and released from the body. While in some cases it is fine and will pass in a few days, other babies can get dangerous high levels where they may need to be kept under a UV light or even have a blood transfusion. In Ariyah-mai case it was very mild and we just had to watch and ensure she was feeding frequently as well as not getting more yellow which spreads onto her body. Also the community midwive will keep checking her levels.

We arrived home at 8 pm on Saturday night. At 3 days old we welcomed Ariyah-mai to her new home. I had been home twice this week to clean and sort all her stuff out to ensure the house was ready for our daughter to come home. So our first night as a family was relaxed. We got take away as we both just stared at this perfect little human we had created, hardly being able to believe it. It still felt surreal. Ariyah-mai was a bit unsettled the first night but that was to be expected. She did settle and by the morning was much better.

introducing the cats-
We were a little nervous about bring her home, because we were unsure how the cats would reacted. Especially because we had left them for a week, apart from me or Ben's Nan poping in to feed them. We had not been there all week, then we were bring this tiny baby home. They have been very good and protective of Ben throughout the pregnancy, they would lay by the bump and follow Ben around the house. We had started to prepare them by not letting them in certain rooms as well as leaving baby items in the living room for them to smell and get used to. They were also used to children and babies because of having our friends children to stay or our nieces and nephews. However never a baby so young.

The cats have been amazing with her, at first we brought her into the living room in her car seat and let them come over to smell her, they seemed interested but also not bothered at all. This is really good as we thought Hayes would be too involved and try and lay with her, while accidentally hurting her. Then we thought that Oakley would kept away and nova would be jealous and more against her then the others. But they proved us wrong, they have all been so gentle with her, Hayes comes and sniffs her and licks her head, whilst Oakley and nova sit near her, where ever she is. Nova has even rubbed her head on the babies foot a few time. So this is a huge relief and means we can just enjoy the baby and the cats without worrying that they will attack or accidentally hurt her.

In just a week of life our little one has been very busy. On Sunday we took her to nanny tina's house to met her great granny ann and granddad. as well as her little cousin Logan. Ellie and Tina also had lots of cuddles again. Tina has been amazing support and helped us since she has been born. Logan was so cute asking lots of questions wanting to help prepare her milk. He did hold her but said she got heavy. Auntie Jade also held her now she a bit bigger and we are not in the hospital.

On the Sunday the community midwife came to Tina's to see her and was really lovely, did not really question us about our family instead just accepted us as dad's. She asked Ben about how he was after the c section with all the respected about using male pronouns and rewording questions to be respectful which was amazing. She said Ariyah-mai was doing really well, however was a bit concerned about her jaundice. She measured her levels and they were a little high but still not bad enough to need treatment. Whilst she did suggest we went to A&E to get blood test done just to ensure she did not need treatment for it. Ariyah-mai's first A&E trip at 4 days old. Thankfully the blood test came back fine. Doctor just told us to keep an eye and ensure she is feeding regularly.

On Monday we registered her at the doctor's and got her first checks there. As well as having the midwife come to our house this time. She did the jaundice test and it has got lower, so great that it showing improvements. We could tell our baby girl was feeling better, she looked less yellow and she was feeding great, thus being alert more and less sleepy. She also came back the next day to re-check and it is still going down. She did a spot blood test and Ariyah's weight, she was now 6 lb, 2 oz. Meaning she had gained almost a pound in 5 days. No surprise as she does like her food and is a very happy healthy baby. The midwives also did all of Ben's observations, check this scar and was very happy overall. She is very supportive and bubbly person, telling us how we are doing an amazing job, we have a routine and that Ariyah-mai is developing very well. This helped us relax and gave us some reassurance as every new parents or even those who have already had children still feel worried, and daunting that they are not doing a good job but to know we are on the right track is reassuring.

After the midwife left on tueaday we went to the town hall to registry our baby girl. She is an offical little person, unfortunately we were prepared that Ben had to go down as mother on her birth certificate, this is stupid as all his documents and ID is in Mr and male. But the law is yet to catch on to trans men carring there own babies. Despite this hard conversation with the register the lady was so supportive. Obviously being Confused resulting in having to call someone else, to double check while being intrigued with our unique family.

We celebrated by getting her some clothes and bits that would actually fit her. Our friend Shannon came with us to met Ariyah-mai too.

Today she is 1 week old. I can not believe she had been in this world for 7 days. It has gone so fast and feeling so surreal still. We have been busy and out a lot so now over the next few days we are going to rest, spend time as a new family and just enjoy our precious miracle.

Nico is now a big brother and is watching over her for sure. We have lots of clothes and bits we brought when we were planning for him but it nice to see his little sister in them and know that there is a small part of him in her.


links:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/jaundice-newborn/treatment/

(1 week old) 

Rainbow arrival

Welcome to the world.

We are so please to announce our beautiful rainbow Ariyah-mai iris.

born at 16:38 on the 16th October and she is perfect. Weighing 5lb 3oz

In my previous post you can read about the lead up to her birth, how Ben was having contractions on and off since Sunday. Then Wednesday morning his waters broke at 6am. After bloods came back, the specialist came to see him, to go though what would happen. She said that Ben's white blood cell where high and that something had been building up since September. That the reason he had contractions was that the womb was being irritated which then caused the waters to go. She explained that even though baby is only 35 weeks the risk of infection is greater then her premuturity so we would definitely have a emergency c section that afternoon.

We had to wait til after half 3 because Ben had eaten that morning he has to go over 6 hours with no food. So more waiting and worrying. She did not really explain this concern about an infection, in terms of what it could be or the risks that were involved. Considering we lost Nico because of an infection and premature rupture of the membrane.

More so because today one year ago was Nico's funeral. It was the day we cremated and said bye to our son. So being an emotional day already to then have the anxieties, but excitement that our rainbow would be born today. As hard as it is being Nico's funeral it is also really lovely. Like he was here with us on this special day, that he sent this precious rainbow to us to be born today, giving us love and hope. Along with having a little bit of his spirt within her.

So we had a shower and tried to relaxed, waiting for the time to come. It was so lovely because we had the midwive who was the one that delived Nico. She will now be there in theatre delivering our rainbow. That was an added special thing to have. There was also lots of other staff on shift who had been there from the beginning with Nico, therefore became part of our journey. It was lovely for them to be there and met her.

At half 3 we were taken down to theatre. Ben had the spinal block anaesthetic which numbed everything but meant he was awake to met our baby. It did not take long and she was here in the world. Came out screaming, with lots of hair. She was perfect, no breathing problems looked great. I cut the cord and but her nappy on. After weighing her, she was then given straight to Ben for skin to skin cuddles.

The momemt she was given to Ben she stopped screaming, she definatly knew who her daddy was. We then went to recovery where I gave her the first feed. She is just such a calm happy baby. It has been 12 hours now and she doing great, feeding, temperatures and breathing are both great. Has a good amount of dirty nappies. So all is well. Ben's doing great and I could not be prouder of him.

So we will now be enjoying the first few hours, days and weeks with this new member of our family. I will still do updates just not as regular. I will do one in terms of how the hospital treated us with being trans, as well as what are the next steps for my surgery Ben going back on hormones ect... But will keep you all post.

Ariyah-mai 5lb 3oz 

Signs of labor

Early labour and contractions.

Our rainbow decided she did not want to wait. I did make a joke last week, when Ben started getting strong tightening that she had to at least wait until after the baby Shower. Our rainbow took that literally as the very next day we were in hospital because Ben was having signs of contractions.

This started properly on the Sunday, however he had been experiencing tightness and strong braxton hicks for weeks. Well very early at like 27 weeks when we were submitted to hospital for false contractions. This time they were different, they were more painful and came from the lower back and travelled from low abdominal up his bump, like a wave. The pain also radiated up his back to his neck and shoulders. These contractions start off around 20 minuets apart however were very irregular. Delivery was busy on this night so we waited over 2 hours to be seen.

The midwife put Ben on a monitor and felt his belly. She then got a doctor to come and do a spectrum check where, they look at the cervix and his stitch. He said Ben was not dilating but we were sent upstairs for further monitoring. By the time we got put upstairs in the Cameron birthing ward it was about half 6 in the morning. We had not slept and was so tired. Ben continued to show signs of contractions but his stitch was in place. We were told to just wait and see. After being put on the monitor constantly and being given round the clock strong pain relief, Ouma finally came to see us.

Ouma checked Ben's cervix and showed the other doctor what to look for. She confirmed that his stitch was fine and their was no sign of tension on it. This meant that they had to just keep him in and wait. If labour progressed and his cervix put tenions on the stitch or there was any sign of dilating they would just do an emerancy ceasauren and get rainbow out. As well as taking the stitch out. They said that sometime the stitch can irriate the womb and cause false contractions but could also be a urine infection. However they have dipped and sent off urine sample for last 2 days, all came back clear. They also took a swab to check for infections which came back fine as well.

Later that night Ben was still getting strong pains and tighness, all they kept doing was giving him strong pain relief, while putting him on the monitor. But the pain killers did not help at all. By the morning he had not felt the baby move since 10pm. He then got very strong contractions which showed on the monitor so. They sent us down to delievery to be checked by a doctor. The doctor came and checked Ben's stitch and said there was still no changes, all was in tact. So after a while they sent us back up to the birthing centre where wee been previously. His contractions seem to subside and no one knew what was going on. No one gave us a clear plan or idea.

Ben had still not felt rainbow move and was getting worried that she was distress so we spoke to the doctor, who sent us for a scan.

The sonographer was lovely she was so open minded and intrigued by our jounery being trans parents. So we had a lovely chat and I gave her the link to this blog. So if your reading this thank you as educating people and sharing our jounery is so lovely for us but also to help others learn and then in turn hopefully change societies perspective on transgender people, more so trans men being pregnant. She also talked through the scan and measurement and really resured us. Baby so wiggling a little bit and measuring slightly big still, estimated to weigh 6lb 8oz. With this we were more happy if our baby was to come early that she would be healthy weight. And great gestation, although premature would have great chance of not needing a long stay in nicu, if any.

Back on the ward and more waiting around to hopefully see Austin and discuss what was going on and put a bit of a plan in place. To our disappointment he could not come see us but passed on a message though 2 different people which does not help when messagess then get mixed up. Basically stating he does not think the stitch should be removed. I asked the doctor why he said he does not know Austin intentions but saying he thinks Ben is not in labour and that they are not contractions. He was trying to say they could be braxton hick or something else but they does not know why he in pain. I put across that no one had actually kept track of how Ben was and when he had contractions and that I had been recording them. That they are getting longer and more intense while they do come one every 2-4 minuets for hours the disappear for hours to then return that it could be early slow labour. He said Ben. Don't look in pain. This annoyed me because of he in for 5 mins how can he know bens not in pain, people have different pain thresholds and I know when Ben is really in pain. He goes quiet and tearful.

The doctor did not really know what to say or what to tell us other then we have to just wait and see. I did get a bit blunt with him as I hate seeing Ben in pain and they just dose him up on high pain meds and ignore the fact he has the stitch which if labour happens suddly could tear. I know I'm not a professional but I have research and asked our specialists lots of questions because I am medically minded, and with the work I do helps the fact I understand. So again we wait.

As Ben was still in pain and had not slept they gave him an injection which has pain relief and anti sickness in that would help him sleep. So at about 5 after dinner they gave him it which, pretty much sent him straight to sleep. We both feel asleep which was nice as we needed it.

Then early hours of this morning Wednesday (now being 35 weeks) Ben started to feel a bit wet and getting the tingling, pulling pains in his public area like inside from the stitch. He put a pad on then went back to sleep. An hour or so after he woke up and was very wet, it gone through the pad and his boxers making his Joggers wet too. So he gave the pad to the midwive to look at while he got changed. She said that it was just watery discharge and to keep an eye that was all. Within 15 minutes he was soak through again, this time wetting the bed too. As he stood up to take the pad our and change again, there was a gash, the floor was soaked. The midwive called the doctor to come examine Ben, as sshee was still convinced it was not his waters.

The doctor came in and went to do a specrume examination to swab the cervix to test if it was the animatic fluid. Before even putting the specrume in it was clearly his it was waters, thus confirmed that they had broken so now he was in labour. We knew all along that he was, that they were contractions and that something was happening.

The plan was to go downstairs and go ahead with elected c section to deliver the baby and take the stitch out. So we just had to wait for a bed downstairs and find out what time we would be doing down. In the mean time lis the midwive who was the one that delivered Nico happened to be working and came up to pre Ben for surgery.

We are now waiting on the anaesthetist and our specialist to come up and talk through what will happen. But our baby will be here later today.


My advice on this topic is listen to your body, if you know something is not right or something is happening trust your instincts. As the person carring the baby you know best. Do not be afraid to question professional yes they are trained but they don't know how you feel. They go by experience and what they seen but everyone is different. You know best.

It is also a year ago to this day that we had Nico funeral, so it is also a hard day but a special one for our raainbow aa
nd her angel brother to share a day like this. As if he sent her from heaven especially for us as a new life and soul from him. I know he will be with us today and making sure his sister is fine, healthy and hopefully strong enough to now need a long hospital stay.

The next post will hopefully be about our rainbow journey into the world and I will post how it went as well as a lovely photo of her. Thank you all for following us on this amazing journey. It has been a long difficult two years with losing Nico and all the complication that arose from that. Then the surrealness of sitting and waiting to have our rainbow in our arms.

(Written at 35 weeks)

Secretes of pregnancy.

What people do not tell you!

In this blog I will talk about all the pregnancy symptoms that you can get from, the common ones to some more unusual ones. I will discuss how some people have smoother pregnancies, while others have difficult ones, mainly discussing the not so joyful moments of pregnancy not to mention what many pregnant people do not share.

This is too highlight that yes while pregnancy is magical and exciting, that your growing this wonderful human. However it can also came with lots of unwanted changes, scares and uncomfortable body pains, aches. Pressure. Hormones changes, anxiety and just general unpleasant symptoms.

I am unsure why these things are not spoken about, maybe out of embarrassment or because once parenthood arrives and the baby is born all that love and tiredness over rides the memories of pregnancy. Those that have smooth, simple pregnancy with hardly any difficulties both mentally and psychically are more likely to talk about how easy they had it that leave those who did struggle left felling alone, then do not talk about their experiences which is not helpful.

If it was spoken about more then maybe people would be more aware when getting pregnant in the first place leading to more planned pregnancy with less unwanted children, as well as those who do find being pregnant a struggle will not feel alone, having people to talk to and being able to get help and support earlier when they are worried.

We experienced lots of difficulties in both pregnancy both mentally and Ben really suffered physical, which is why we decided to do this post. Ben will explain a lot of more how he felt and physically being pregnant (so he had to help a lot in this post, as I do not know what he is feeling day to day) all the same I can will explain about medically and emotional what we have been through.

Please do not take this blog that pregnancy if awful and if you have it easy your lucky, like that is that unfair in any way, because I am just trying to highlight that things can go wrong or some people do experience pregnancy differently from others. Therefore by talking about the rougher times of our journey, our experiences with loosing our son then more people would be willing to openly talk about their difficulties. Also to provide knowledge about certain thing that we were not aware of in our first pregnancy but since losing a child we then knew what to do in order to prevent this from happening. What we needed to look out for or get checked in this pregnancy. With many mental, and physical struggling in both pregnancies, having professionals and other people that had been though simpler experiences really helped us. To be able to ask them when we had worries or questions, to then learn and keep this baby safe thus making Ben as positive and comfortable as possible.

below are some of the common symptoms of pregnancy in each trimester and why these may happen. Many of the common feeling are sickness, dizziness, headaches, sore breast and tiredness are felt in the first and last trimester but can also affect people the whole pregnancy. They say that the second trimester is the best where symptoms settle and you get your energy back. This may be the case for most people but not what we and many others we know have experienced.

Morning sickness- vomiting
Morning sickness is a miss conception as many of those excepting will be nauseous mainly in the morning constantly feeling sick but do not actually experience vomiting or they get no sickness or nausea at all. Where as it is very common to have sickness all day long, and actually more so in the evenings. While some people many only experience sickness at the beginning, starting at week 6-8 then stopping between 12-16.  On the other hand it is very common to have sickness and vomiting all the way through pregnancy. Just things to be mindful of is making sure that while being sick is harmless as long as you are keeping down fluids and some food, providing you and the baby the nutrition  you need. Try eating small and often, pick on crackers, cereal, fruit. food that is dry and not fatty helps relieve sickness. Also making sure your drinking plenty of fluids. Try eating something before getting out of bed so have some ginger biscuits, bread sticks, cereal oat bars are great snacks to eat before getting up as they high fibre dry food to settle the stomach. If vomiting is over 6 times a day, that you are struggling to keep any food or fluids down then make sure you go get checked by professional. Anti sickness is used safety and commonly during pregnancy, as do whats best for you and the baby.

Ben struggled a lot from sickness. He felt sick from as early as 4 weeks pregnant one of the reason he actually took the pregnancy test early. He was sick several times a day every day from this early and way past 12 weeks. (when others said it is meant to stop). He still vomits even at 27 weeks however now it is a small amount mostly because of acid re flux and heartburn but is no where near as much as it was in the first trimester. We tried all the tricks but he could not keep anything down, just water occasionally. He lived on water, ginger biscuits, crackers and bread sticks for weeks, pretty much the whole first trimester. He was so sick that he was put on anti sickness. This however did not help at all, if anything it made him feel more sick. and made him dizzy and had blurry vision. they then gave him anti sickness patches instead at around 9 weeks, which helped a bit. As it settled so he stopped using them, so the sickness stopped then came a back after 16 weeks. He also had a lot of bad headaches at the beginning as well, so bad it made it hard to function, he did not like to take pain relief so we tried tips we got from others, like temple massages, ice, cold pressure on his head and back of his neck. To drink more, despite this nothing worked he was just sick or had a headache. even paracetamol when he finally took them did not help at all. they did settle on their own late into the second trimesters but he does suffer from migraines every now and then.

Tiredness.

Tiredness or exhaustion is another very common feeling in pregnancy, this is evidently going to happen at some point for everyone let alone when pregnant, as the body is working extra hard to keep you and the baby healthy. The heart has to pump extra blood around and organs also have the then work harder to keep up with the extra demanded. This is mostly in the first 12 weeks however pretty much all the way through, more so getting worse towards the end when the baby is bigger, your therefore carrying the extra weight and have aches and pains, along with distributed sleep. Tiredness can once more be because of all the hormone changed as well as lack of sleep. Lack of sleep can be caused by frequently needing the toilet, then as the baby starts to kick they like to keep you up all night and have a party at all hours to keep you awake. We say that they are preparing you for the regular feeds when they are born. Also just general aches, with discomfort when they grow can make it hard to sleep well, because of tossing and turning to find the right position that is not only comfy but safe to sleep when pregnant. laying on your back is not advised, it is safer to lay on your sides especially the left as it increases blood flow. Vivid dreams later on in the pregnancy can also cause disrupted sleep, resulting in tiredness. Even though tiredness is harmless to the baby and common it still not enjoyable being drained, having no energy so a few thing that can help are the same with most symptoms, making sure that you are drinking plenty of water, eating healthy and trying to rest when ever possible. Getting a pregnancy pillow can help at night to get in a comfy safe position on your left side, having a fan on or window open to prevent getting over heated. If you can stay active and exercise this can actually reduce tiredness in pregnancy but this is not always the case. Being extremely tired where you are sleeping all the time, if it is affecting day to day life, and concentration can be a sign of lack of iron therefore make sure you get bloods to check for anaemia.

Dizziness. 

Dizziness is another feeling that is common, caused by hormones changing and also where your body relaxes. Blood rate rises to provided for you and the baby therefore can cause your blood presser to rise then fall, dizziness is then the result of this. Morning sickness can cause dizziness as again the body uses so much energy that your blood presser can drop and you feel dizzy. It is common throughout the whole pregnancy but does get worse towards the end because their is more pressure on your body and blood vessels. When the baby gets bigger they can cause shortness of breath where the uterus grows, thus causing dizziness. However alarming feeling dizzy can be and even causing vertigo it is very harmless in most cases. It is very common and usually just part of pregnancy, due to hormone changes, pressure on blood vessels, blood pressure dropping, vomiting, getting up to quickly or dehydration. so to prevent dizziness make sure you rest when needed and drink enough to keep hydrated. Make sure you are eating often and also not getting over heated. However dizziness that is sever can be a cause for concern so make sure that if being dizzy makes you faint, or is not relieved by eating regularly, drink enough or resting that it is checked. As it can be down to low iron (Anaemia) this is again very common and easily reduced by taking iron supplements. Which Ben got at the end of his pregnancy. it made him very dizzy and faint, to the point his blood pressure was very low and he needed to be with someone in case he fainted when getting up. Iron tablets did help elevate some of this.

Ben did get dizziness in the first trimester but mainly caused from the headaches and server vomiting, although he did get dizzy sometime when sitting up to quick and when he was hot. It was never a cause for concern for us. he then got a bit more dizzy in the second trimester due to hormone changes and the heatwaves we were having. but again by getting up slower, resting and drinking water this alleviated the dizziness. He has however been affected a lot by tiredness in both pregnancies. At the beginning with both he was working long hours, out the house from 6 am-7 pm, so he come home, to eat and sleep. Most of the weekend he was asleep. This was hard as he was exhausted and I hardly got to spend time with him. In this pregnancy with rainbow he started to cut his hours and he worked in the office, which gave him more time in doors to rest or spend time with me.  Regardless he had to travel even further to work which really tired him out. Where he was so sick and suffered with headaches he slept a lot. Then as he got into the second trimester he did get a bit more energy back. His sickness settled which meant he was also eating more, the need to go toilet had also alleviated so he was sleeping through the night.

However once Ben had the surgery to place the stitch in and he was put on bed rest, that made him tired, he was sleeping on and off throughout the day which made it harder to sleep at night. therefore he was having short naps but not long well rested sleep that he needed. Also when baby started kicking she loved to wake him and keep him up for hours kicking all night. He got bigger and more uncomfortable hence making it even harder to sleep. this resulted in just being tired all the time. He was bored on bed rest and had no sleep pattern. This did effect my sleep as I was being woken up when he got up to go toilet, when he was tossing and turning to get comfy. I also have trouble sleeping too especially when anxious or nervous so this rainbow defiantly was preparing us for sleepless partner hood.

Sore breasts.

This is a common early symptom that in most cases is one of the first signs of pregnancy. However due to Ben being a trans man, thus having top surgery where the remove all the breast tissue and preform re constructing to give a male chest. He therefore can not really talk about this symptom, nor can I as it is not something we have experienced. However he has had pains in his chest, something he did experience before surgery as well as a small amount of swelling. This is something that we do not have much information on, This is because not much research has been done of trans male pregnancies, also those people we do know or that has been in the media generally have not had chest surgery. They commonly get pregnant before having hormones or come off hormones like Ben did yet they have not had surgery. This means Ben did not know if the sore chest and pains he has was normal or something to be worried about. He is a worrier for this reason we did go in to get it checked however even professionals are not familiar with trans male pregnancies, let alone those who have had surgery. Even profession who work in the gender clinics or do the surgery do not know either, since there is no research carried out. We took to online groups to seek other transgender people who have been pregnant after having chest surgery. Some got a few pains, other did not or only got swelling. while others even experienced lactation. This is because it depends on the surgeon who performed the surgery, on the grounds that some surgeons leave some breast tissue and milk ducts in tact while others do full removal and nipple graft therefore everything is taken away. It really is case by case which is the same for many symptoms as everyone is different, peoples bodies are different therefore people experiences different symptoms or the same symptoms differently. 

Other symptoms that can present during all stages of pregnancy, some of which are very common others are uncommon. A lot of these are also things that people do not warn you about pregnancy. some people will get most of these while others experience all or none at all. No two bodies are the same meaning whatever you experience and how bad it is, these things are harmless. They are all apart of pregnancy and nothing to be ashamed about. They are mostly caused by hormonal changes but some are actually explainable, just wonderful mysteries of pregnancy. so here are the once I know of:

• aches and pains,
• round ligament stretching, 
• mild period like cramps
• back aches,
• hot sweats
• general discomfort
• constipation or diarrhoea
• constantly toilet visits- need to wee.  
• discharge
• colds or flu, 
• food cravings or aversions,
• heartburn, acid re-flux or indigestion, 
• leg cramps,
• swelling of feet and hands
• bleeding or sore gums - go to the dentist. 
• shortness of breath
• mood swings
• heightened sense of smell 
• changes in tastes - tasting metal
• vision changes - get eye sight checked.  
• spots/ acne 
• thicker hair or unwanted hair on body like tummy face ect...
• nosebleeds
• darkened skins, like brown patches. 
• dry skin
• vivid dreams
• nesting and anxieties
• incontinence- peeing ones self. 
• excitement
• natural glow- shiny skin
• increase or decrease in apatite 
• weight gain
• bloating
• swollen hands, ankle, feet
• sore chest/breasts
• lower vaginal pressure or tingling
• braxton hicks
• and many more I am sure. 

If you have had many of these know you are not alone. If there are any I have missed or that you have experienced please comment and share your experiences. Ben has been affected by most of these, unfortunately he seems to have got every pregnancy symptom possible. he talks below about what he has experienced throughout this pregnancy. 

Ben is explaining himself here how he has been. 

So I have had most if not all of these list above at some point. We have had many complications through both pregnancy and this one due to the previous loss as well as the anxieties that comes with that loss. At the beginning I had lots of sickness, so bad I could not keep nothing down. Only dry foods like crackers and bread sticks and water this got very boring. I was also horrible when I was travelling to work and people would stare because I had to get off the bus to be sick. Pregnant women is it acceptable but everyone assumed I was ill. I got food aversions to mostly everything mainly spaghetti or tomato based foods. chicken for a while as well caused me to vomit, even just the sight or smell of these foods. Craving i got a bit but more went on and off certain foods. One craving was chicken and bacon sandwich especially from Gregg's, sausage rolls too. Then the occasional craving for chocolate or something sugary. 

I pretty much got every pregnancy symptoms going from sickness at the beginning and heartburn and intergestion at the end where it made my sickness worse again at the end. The dizzyness and low iron which made me really tired weak aand dizzy. I got bad headachs thought out the whole pregaancy then bad toothaches at the end. I also got the dry patchy skin, nose bleeds, constipation and general aches and pains. Especially with being on bed rest I got lots of back aches, and pains. I had bad painful braxton hicks from 27 as well. Towards the end I had a cold and sore throat pretty much right up until the last week. I also had constant urine infections and trust which is not fun, as had to use creams and be on antibiotics. Then obviously all. The general hot sweats, tirness, shortness of breath, swollen fingers which meant I had to take my rings off. Along with discharge, cramps, 

Mood swings, vivid dreams. Well you name it I had it. I am obviously someone that does not do pregnancy easy and it has been a long old 9 months. But we are nearly there now. So few more weeks but we hhave everything ready for the baby. 

Other things to be mindful of 

These ones that can be harmless but needed to be monitored medically, or many need treatment. these can be common however less spoken about. these are things that can cause alarm but are actually very easily treatable and due to hormone changes in pregnancy or some people be more prone to them. for example urine infections (UTI), thrush, mild cramping and sharp abdominal pains can all be very unsettling yet harmless to baby.  Spotting and vaginal bleeding can be harmless and common throughout pregnancy, some people even get false periods at the beginning or periods all the way through. however heavy bleeding, with clots or yellow discharge, cramps or back pains all at once can be a cause for concern. bleeding/spotting in pregnancy despite mostly being nothing to worry about should always be medically checked. 

Although these are harmless more uncommon symptoms it is important to get them treated especially urine infections and thrush as these can cause complication if left untreated. urine infections can cause vaginal bleeding, pain when urinating, soreness and discomfort as well as low abdominal cramps. if left untreated the infect can go to the kidneys and then cause stress on the unborn baby. It can cause low birth weight and even preterm labour in rare cases, therefore it is important to get tested regular. This is normal routinely check at antenatal appointments throughout pregnancy, nevertheless make sure if you suspect you could have a UTI or thrush make sure you get checked take the treatment, cream or antibiotics which is very safe to take. This will make sure that the infection is treated, but can be recurring so always trust yourself and if you feel something is wrong make sure you get the care you are entitled to. 

Other infections that can be harmful when not treated are sexually transmitted infections (STI), or bacteria vaginosis (BV) which generally do not have obvious symptoms, however some signs are increase in discharge that sometimes can smell but most cases doe not, therefore as an increase and changes in discharge is very normal in pregnancy these infections can be missed. BV is harmless when picked up and treated early, however can cause many complications. BV is what Ben had and the cause of our miscarriage last year. this is why we lost our son so something we really feel is important to highlight. It is not spoken about openly and is common. which we only knew ones we lost Nico and spoke to many other people that had miscarriages or who had it and was treated in there pregnancies. It is not routinely tested for in pregnancy however I feel it should be. There are other infections that can be dangerous and effect the baby or harmless if treated, some of these are chicken pox, some flues, whooping cough, toxoplasmosis. see link in reference where you can get more information.

If you read our other blog - Twotransdaddies.- https://twotransdaddies.blogspot.com/2018/12/an-angel-grow-his-wings.html?zx=5f2a7966c4789e3a. I talk about our pregnancy with Nico and how we lost him, i also did do a earlier post about BV and losing Nico, at 27 weeks as a tribute to his memory on the 29/08/19, which was his 1st year anniversary. 

Referances:

https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a228/dizziness-in-pregnancy

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/tiredness-sleep-pregnant/

https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a262/sore-breasts-in-pregnancy

https://www.verywellhealth.com/transgender-top-surgery-4587353

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/infections-pregnancy