Baby planning - bedroom and theme.

Preparing for baby and doing their bed room 

Ben and I have been preparing for a baby for years really, ever since we decided to try and conceive. We were so excited that when we were out and saw nice stuff we brought bits here and there. Then when we got pregnant with Nico we obviously started to plan and buy things. We also had lots of friends or family who had just had kids so we got lots of stuff given to us that was pretty much brand new. We also did get some stuff in charity shops, or online second hand. This is the great thing about Facebook market, as although these things were second hand they were only used a few times and it means things are passed around when people do not have much money. Some people do not like second hand items and that is there choice however as long as they are well looked after and we clean them it does not matter to us. Like there are some things that need to be brand new with having a baby and that is dummies, bottles, mattress and bedding however clothes or toys do not matter when babies are not using or wearing them for long, sometimes just in them the once before they out grow things. 

The most important thing was that we want neutral items, because at the time with Nico we were not going to find out the gender and although we do know with our rainbow we are still going to dress them in all different colours or clothing. Until they can chose for themselves and then giving them their own opsions of what they want. Thus letting them play with whatever toys and whatever interest/hobbies they enjoy. Our reasons behind this and how we will be raising our child are explained in a previous post - Sex vs Gender, go take a read.

To ensure a neutral theme we choose to have a safari jungle/rain forest design for the bedroom. which we had from the beginning with Nico. This is because we can then use neutral colours like green, orange, brown, yellow, red and grey rather then stereotypical blue or pink. I personally do not agree or like the typical blue or pink colours, nor does Ben so we would never dress them or get everything in one colour even if we were conforming to gender constructions for our child. Being trans ourselves we do not conform to stereotypes and know how much pressure a child is forced upon subconsciously growing up to act or like certain things based on there gender. We do not want this and will ensure our child is not surround by society ideologies based on gender, by exposing them to plenty of colours, toys, and patterns. This also helps their development, as well as being engaging, exciting, having more things to explore. Additionally introducing animals, like lions, zebras, giraffes, elephants, tigers, monkeys and sloths, is educational and will set a child up to learn. Also have one colour which is boring. 

With this baby we also added in things like clouds, stars and rainbows because this baby is our rainbow of hope and their big brother is up in heaven with the clouds and stars. It gives a slight difference to the theme we were reusing after losing our son, to also have that connect with him to our rainbow at the same time. Our rainbow will know about their big brothers so the clouds and stars are that tribute to him. Creating that connection between them and something the baby can visually see in relation to Nico. 

So having this theme made it easier to buy and plan for the baby. A lot of the fisher price items are safari themed and in all the colours we wanted therefore a lot of our stuff like bouncier chair, play mats and toys are from fisher price. Fisher price is a well known brand that does an array of items mostly gender neutral and also not too expensive. As I did state most of these items we did get where second hand so even cheaper but basically brand new. When we were planning for Nico, animal clothing like zebras and elephants along with monkey items seem to be the range that year which was amazing for us because we brought lots of lovely stuff that we are use with our rainbow now. Green seemed to also be the colour that year, which is a colour we are still using. However is very associated to Nico, as that is the colour we use for his stuff rather then blue for a boy. Then come this year it is more orange, mustard yellow and grey colours that are popular, with sloths and rainbow stuff being this years style so we got lots of new items or the things we still needed, all fitting to our theme. 

Our babies room

The babies room is now all ready and set up for our baby. As I stated the theme is all safari/Rain forest, with green, yellow and orange jungle colours. I will post photos below. I am not using the term nursery because it is a very American term hence we do not refer to it as a nursery it is just their bedroom. Working in a schools as well means I associate the word nursery to education and school not to the home. I will talk about items we have got and how we set up the baby's bed bed room. I am going to include things I recommend that are essentials on top of the items that are not worth it because they are not necessary or just things made to get new parents to spend money. We got some more expensive brand new things as well as second hand stuff. 

The bigger furniture we have is mainly white like the cot and baby changing unit as then that goes with any theme and can easily be re used. The cot we actually got is an IKEA one with green draws, we got this around 13 weeks pregnant with Nico. It was second hand only costing us £40. Despite this it was in excellent condition as the previous owner was fostering a young child so it was only used for a few months. We did however buy a brand new mattress for it which was from amazon. It was not too expensive but very decent air flow pocket sprung mattress with a water proof recoverable cover. Then the changing unit is the same IKEA style however, my dad paid for it because it was expensive yet worth it. It converts into a desk as the child grows, it large with draws and shelves for all the baby's stuff. (photos below) The room already had built in white wardrobes so we did not need to worry about this. Then we had furniture like wooden draws, bed side draws and a storage box that we had from either my old house or from Ben's room when we moved into together, I painted these all green, sanded them down and gave them a new lease of life to use for the babies room. Then we had a wickers draw unit and a IKEA rocking lounge chair that Ben's aunt was getting rid of, so we put them in the bedroom too. This meant we had lots of storage for all their stuff and a place to sit whilst feeding them. 

Then the Moses basket will be in our room at night which can then be moved around the house during the day depending on where we are. This Moses basket was another more expensive item we did buy new. This is because it is a larger one that can be use up until the baby is 6 months. It also folds up as a travel cot, this is important because we have family and friends that live all around the uk. The main reason we did want this Moses basket is because it had a removable cat net that is breathable and zipped on so that the cats are not able to get their paws in or sit on the baby by accident. Our three cats, especially Hayes are all very affectionate. they could be curious of the baby and not intentionally cause harm however could accidentally hurt our rainbow. Therefore this was essential for us, while for others a more standard cheaper one would be better. The bedside draws we are firstly using in our room because they will be sleeping in there from 0-3 months at least. We have put muslin, bibs, dummies and comforters, in there with some spare nappies and wipes for the night.

Then the other draws are in the wardrobe with 3-6 clothes in, while the 0-3 are in the draws in the changing unit or hanging in the wardrobe. Additionally we have brought little material boxes for muslin, bibs, and blankets that are also in the changing unit along with nappy and wipes on the top shelve. sheets and bedding are in the draws under the cot. Their is also play mats and blankets in a plastic box in the wardrobe. the green storage ottoman box has spare nappies and wipes in that are bigger sizes that we were given when our friends children grow out of them. We have a ottoman box in the living room which has plays mats and toy in it along with the older toys for our nieces and nephews which can be easily accessed or put away. Other thing we have brought new are wash stuff,  clothes and shoes, which we have too many of.  I will post a photo of the inside the wardrobe and draws too along with our list of what we have. 

Things that were given to us by our closest friends Ron and Scott are a prep-machine, microwave sterilizer, baby bath, lots of clothes, muslin, bibs ect... but the main thing is the travel system pram. The pram is a Cosatto wow travel system, with the carry cot, car seat and 6+ months seat. It came with the rain cover and bag. As well as a sun umbrella, foot muff and travel changing mat. They had only used the 6 months plus seat for their daughter and only for a few months so was basically brand new. It was also green jungle theme with foxes so it fit our theme and was neutral.

Some of the bottles and dummies or other bits like skip hop travel changing bag and mam bottles were from the baby show in London, some we got for free, other stuff we brought there at a cheaper sale price. The baby events and sales are the best for getting really great deals. We have lots of mittens, hats, bibs. socks, towels, and well clothes especially vest!! much more then recommend but more is better then running out and not having enough.

Items we have-

• Newborn
• 2 preemie sleepsuits
• 2 rainbow leggings
• PJ set with top and bottoms with feet 
• 2 bottoms with feet
• 2 PJ trousers
• 2 PJ tops
• 8 short sleeve vest 
• 2  long sleeve vest 
• 14 sleepsuits
• 3 short sleeve tops
• 2 long sleeve tops
• 2 dungarees
• 1 jacket with hoods

0-3 

• 28 sleepsuits
• 2 Christmas outfits.
• 41 short sleeve vest 
• 18 long sleeve vest 
• 5 bottoms with feet
• 4 PJ tops 
• 5 baggy bottoms 
• 9 trousers 
• super man PJ set
• 13 short sleeve tops 
• 15 long sleeve tops
• 5 smart t-shirts 
• 5 jogging bottoms
• 2 cargo trousers 
• 2 jogger and jumper sets 
• 2 dungarees 
• 5 rompers 
• 1 Christmas jumper
• 2 jumpers 
• 5 jumpers with hoods 
• 4 jackets 
• 4 thick coats
• 1 denim coat
• 4 pram/ snow suits 
•  2 knitted Carolingian. 

accessories

• 4 grow bags 0-6
• 3 knitted blankets 
• 4 fluffy blankets
• 1 thin hooded blanket
• 1 hooded sloth blankets 
• 2  milestone floor Blankets 
• 1 blue, rainbow hooded blanket 
• 42 dribble bibs 
• 16 feeding bibs
• 7 large muslin's blankets 
• 11 muslin's squares 
• 14 mittens
• 4 thicker gloves
• 13 small hats 
• 14 bigger hats 

We also have tights, headbands, and dresses along with some smart shirts and jeans from before we knew what we were having. Along with pink vest and blue vest, with orange, purple and green vests. We are not bothered what colour vests the baby wears underneath other clothes as they get messy and need to be changed anyways. Whether we are having a boy or girl they are vests. We would rather have loads then not enough. Although as you can see we have far too many because loads of people brought us some or gave us second hand stuff. 

Things we still need or want.

Most of the items we still need are things like bedding, Moses basket sheets and cot sheets. Then a few random bits that we would like but are not in need of straight away, like thermometers, milk powder travel pots, glow in dark Dummies, teeters, medicines and a first aid kit. Stocking up on more nappies, Wipes and bath stuff however we do have some to get us though if baby is born early. My mum has been amazing and is getting a box of wash essentials likke shampoo, baby bath and moisturiser, long with some little bits like grape water, Sudacream, Dummies clips, cotton wool, blankets andd medicine. With still buying more so she has really helped us out.

I would recommend.

Some items we have which I would recommend is fisher price toys as they are bright, colourful and gender neutral but do also do stereotypical colours if you prefer that. They are good quality and generally have multiple purposes. Furniture that grows with your child is great because they will be used for years rather then months and therefore worth the price. Another thing we did make sure we had was gro- bags sometime called sleeping bags. These are safer then blankets because they are fitted by zipping the baby into them, with only there head and arms out. They have lots of room at the bottom for baby to move there legs around with out kicking it off when its cold. They come in different thickness for all year round even being about to get some with removable long sleeves.  Unlike a blanket no matter how perfectly swaddled the baby is they can over heat, be restricted from natural movements, as will as come un-swaddled. Hence getting tangled in a blanket with risk of suffocation. Especially when a baby starts wiggling more or rolling themselves over. Other items are music sleep aids like having a cot mobiles or baby monitors with lullabies included. We have a elephant that shines stars on the ceiling and has multiply colours and songs along with a heart beat and white noise sounds. This helps baby to sleep better or to calm them when they are unsettles. However do not use these instead of singing and holding your baby, but in addition to your attention as well. I would also recommend the glowegg, which is a night light that changes colour depending of the temperature of the room there you can clearly see if it is too hot or cold in the room and make to adjustments need to ensure the room is thee right temperature. (betweeen 16-20 degree's). Then all the essionals, vest, sleeepsuit, muslins,, dummies, bottle if formula feeding. Wash things, Nappies wipes, nappy rash creams and medicine.

Baby items we did not get and think they are not worth it.

There are many baby items that are essential or really useful however there is also lots of stuff that is not worth the money or that you will just never use. This is because companies make people believe that everything is needed. As a new parent company take advantage to make money. I feel some things are also not worth the money because they are only needed for a while or used the once. Like I said before we got a lot of stuff second hand or from charity and I feel passing items on gets the best use and is reusing meaning things do not end up in land fields. There are some thing we did spend money on that i believe is worth it like our Moses basket with the cats net, our cot can be converted into a infant bed as the baby grows as well as the changing unit turning into a desk. This gives one item multiply purposes and will be used for years. There is also some things we have that if we had not been given them from friends for free we probably would not have brought. These included wrap slings which I am not sure we will even used because me and Ben do not like the idea of tiring the baby round with a piece of material. Other things included a electric bottle warmer and prep-machine. Prep machines are handy especially at night because they make a baby's bottle to the right temperature and oz in a few minutes. while they are expensive with needing filters replaced so we would not have brought one as they are not worth the money. When we have a kettles, but as we have one we will use it and really appreciate being given these items.

Other items we are not getting are baby bath tubes, whats wrong with using a cheaper baby seat and your own bath tube. Again it may be essential for others it people only have a shower. Then wipe warmers we think are not safe and useless. There has been lots of articles about these burning baby's by getting too hot or being unevenly heated. Baby wipes are not freezing and therefore do not need to be warmed, just keeping the packets closed and warming them up in your own hands a bit is enough. Baby bin's we feel are also not worth the money, these bins have to take specific nappy bags, that you pre -load into the bin which then wraps and tie each nappy inside when you throw them away. where as it does not take long to put a nappy in a nappy bag tie it and throw it away yourself. Then by regularly emptying your bins will stop them it from smelling.

Cot bumper are a big no to us, they are unsafe and really not needed. If you are going to get one I would suggest a breathable one. We have got a breathable cot bumper which is jungle because again someone gave it to us but we do not plan on using it. Cots are made to be safe for baby's the bar are far enough apart that baby's can not get limbs stuck in the gaps while not being big enough to get there head through. The bars are also rounded and painted with safe paints. The worst that can happen by not using a bumper is slight knocks that may cause a bruise however very unlikely as the baby would not hit the bars with stuck force to cause any injuries. Compared to the risk of suffocation when using a bumper as the baby could roll and press their face up against it or pull it off over their face. Resulting in death. I know I would rather the risk of a bump here and there with a little scrap or bruise.

But everyone is different so what you feel is essential to your baby and your life style is fine. Everyone has different view, ideas and dislike on what they feel is important. Different households or situations that would effect what you get. So whatever you buy orr noot get if fine there no right or wrong preparing for a baaby it's just what's right for you. I just wanted to get down what we felt if essentional or what we feel is not worth purchasing, be give ideas to others who many be unsure on what to buy. I would love to here other people opitions and baby setup. Please share and comments photos off your precious babies space.

Photos of our baby's room 

(Written at 32 weeks)

32 week scan- more complications.

We are Kept on edge 

We were meant to have a scan at 33 weeks on the 3rd of October however, we had a emergency scan today due to some worries about the baaby size and confusion over the the gestational week.

So we have been in a few time with reduced movements and with pains, such as false contractions. Which Ben is still having, he gets lots of pressure pains and pushing tingling feelings in his groin area. We were told that these were just painful and strong braxton hicks. His sickness has come back while fortunately the dizziness has dyed down meaning the iron is working. He also had a scare that his waters were leaking on Sunday because he was getting wetness. Luckily a test showed that it was not his waters so more then likely just watery discharge. This test is clever as they take a swab then after a few minutes some lines appear, if their is two it is amniotic fluid if just one then it is all fine. A bit like a positive and negative pregnancy tests. Knowing it was not his waters we started to relax and could go home, but it did noot last long.

Ben has been feeling kicks and movements a lot more as rainbow has got bigger. He feels more somersault movements with elbows or knees sticking out then small quick kicks. Then two days since our last trip to hospital, we were back up to get checked out. He had only felt the baby move once on Tuesday at 10 am by the time I got home at 6, pm, he still had not felt anything. After doing what professionals recommend, for example drinking ice cold water, laying on his left side to concentrated on the baby. There was no movements, making him worry. I was worried too consequently we rang maternity, who told to come in. We were put on the monitor  which showed rainbow wiggling around. Well we could hear the baby moving as well as their heart rate rising and falling as it should. When rainbow got more active it went up. Despite this Ben only felt one kick, because of these reduced movement wee were worried. Whilst the midwife in triage was not worried about babies movements but more the baby's size. She saw on our previous scan that the baby was a bit big then by seeing how large Ben's bump was and by feeling to see if he had a lot of water or how big the baby may be she thought we were at least a week ahead. This made her book us an emergency scan for the next morning. 

After a worried night we went upstairs to have a scan around 10:30 am. The sonographer had a look saw that rainbow was facing towards Ben's back, explaining the reduced movement, instead giving Ben back pain. The sonographer then checked the baby's heart beat, blood flow and measurements. Our rainbow had grown a lot, in fact was much bigger then baby's should be at this gestation. The baby's head and legs were big but still average however the abdominal measurements showed to be on the large side of the scale. We saw this for ourselves on the scan too, it looked like baby's belly was swollen. The baby's estimated weight was at 5 lbs 3 oz, growing a whole 2 lbs in 4 weeks. This is what the weight is expected to be at 34-35 weeks. The sonographer did not really seem concerned because Ben's glucose intolerance test (GTT) for gestational diabetes had come back negative both times. First one he did was at 24 weeks then again at 28 weeks. She booked us for a scan at 38 weeks which was 6 weeks away. We were not pleasured and were concerned so we requested to see our midwife. 

Mel our midwives saw us and got the consulate Ouma who put Ben's stitch in to also look at the results from our scan. They both noticed that the baby's measurements were off the chart. They were concerned just as much as we were, they were determined to find out what is causing the large abdominal growth. As the Baby was at the 95th percentile on the growth chart. Below is a photo of the baby's measurements on the charts. 

After about a hour the midwives took us downstairs to see a diabetic specialist. They explain our opinions which were to take another glucose test or test blood sugar levels at home. Which they suggested and so did the midwife because Ben's previous GTT came back fine. Cearly thee test Wass missing something that was going on with his sugars on a day to day bases. We choose to do the home testing because we felt this would give a better result then re taking the test when it has come back fine twice. Also this involved Ben drink a horrendous sugared drink that he did not want to do for a third time. Clearly doing a controlled fasting test did not show what was going on with Ben's or the babies sugar levels and we hoped this more natural regular testing would give better results. Or at least a insight to rule out diabetes.

We were shown how to do this with a little machine where Ben had to prick his finger then collect the blood on a strip that would then show a sugar level on the screen. He had to do this 4 times a day. First thing in the morning before he had eaten anything. Then another three times an hour after each main meal, so an hour after breakfast, lunch and dinner. He had to note all the results down and track the levels. It must be under under 5.3 with this first fasting test, then the next three after eating have to be under 7.8. If he gets three high levels within a week or one after each other then he had to call diabetic team immediately. We then had another appointment with Ouma and the diabetic nurse in a week to see the results and plan from there. 

Here is a video of Ben taking his blood sugar level after dinner. trigger warning there is a slight view of a spot of blood. 

(Written at 32 weeks) 

Birth plan - medical awareness of trans couples.

 31 weeks- 

Midwives appointment regarding discrinmation 

I can not believe we are now 31 weeks, it still feels like a dream. After everything we been through this last year with losing Nico then the complications this pregnancy has brought on we are always going to feel like we are in a dream until we have our rainbow alive in our arms. We now only have 7 weeks and 4 days to go. However I am back at work I do not get much time to sort out baby stuff, or spend time with Ben. I love the moment when i wake up, roll over to cuddle Ben and get to feel the baby kicking around before i then have to get up for work. I don not get to spend long feeling rubbing Ben's belly or talking to bump now i am working again. The good thing is that work makes time seem to go faster, where i am so busy. but not for Ben who is still on bed rest.

We did however have a 4D scan last weekend that I previously blogged about, it was so precious to see our baby in detail, that rainbow really looks like Ben. also it made it seem very real that soon we would have our baby here and that we were going to be dads again.

We are doing well other than currently both having colds. There is a bug going round, this does not help that Ben has also got low iron as he is anaemic therefore feeling weak and dizzy on top of the cold. He is on iron tablets so this hopefully should help soon. He been just generally uncomfortable, finding it hard to get comfortable as his bump grows. Also with the weather changing he is too cold or too hot. he has been having painful braxton hicks and rib pain where we think the baby is laying in difficult positions.

We did have a unscheduled Midwife appointment to catch up with how things are going due to Ben being in hospital with false contractions at 28 weeks. Then in and out for various reasons/ anxieties since then. I did talk about when we ended up in hospital, that we did face some discrimination for the first time  by a manager in the antenatal ward. This was because we were moved rooms to a private birthing room late at night because they had enforced a policies about partners staying over night. We were not informed until an assistant nurse woke me up at 10:45 pm telling me to go home. She did not really explaining why, when I stayed all week on the same ward when Ben had the stitch put in. Also it was a the week in which we lost Nico the year before, meaning it was a hard time for us being in hospital the same time we lost him. In regards to all of this the duty midwife let me stay. Plus it was not appropriate to wake me up this late and demand I go home. In order for me to stay they had to move us to a private room due to sending other partners home it would not be fair.

The next morning a women come in stating she was acting manager and that she heard there was a issue with us moving rooms because of our gender. That the shared bay is a female ward not for males. This was not the case and she did not even give us a chance to explain. Instead she made her own assumption, going on to be unprofessional by comparing us to another couple who were gay and used a surrogate. She had no right to barge in and assist that we needed to put a plan in place because Ben was male. Considering we had never met her, we did not know who she actually was and she had not even read our notes or let us explain. She then left saying she be back after seeing other people she had to see. Straight away Ben rang our perinatal midwife because our specialist was away. She told us to ignore her and that she would sort the misunderstanding out. Therefore when Mel our midwife was back off leave we had this appointment with her at 31 weeks.

So we explain to Mel what happened and she wrote a response in Ben's notes, stating that is we were admitted before our elected C section then he is allowed on the shared bay and I am allowed to stay. That once baby was born we were to have a private room on the postnatal ward. She also checked babies heart beat with Doppler, found the baby straight away and got to feel the baby kicking around. Also checked how Ben had been with his iron, braxton hicks and cold. She reassured us that all the pains and aches were all normal that he was just getting painful braxton hicks as people are misinformed that braxton hicks are not painful but they can be. She booked us another appointment with her and Austin for 34 weeks. A week after our next scan at 33 weeks.

On an exciting note we spoke about general trans issue and the discrimination we faced by that staff member, that people want to get involved for their own intentions, so they can state they have cared for a trans pregnant couple. When actually they are getting involved and getting this wrong. We talked about how we are the first trans couple come through maternity in this hospital However we certainly will not be the last. Therefore by having open discussions and us educating staff in order to learn and change the way they care for patient. To be more inclusive to gender identity whether it is a gay, lesbian, trans or non binary person who is pregnant. That their needed be more awareness and education to ensure things change, but also certain understand from our side that we are to expect some people to be less accommodating or accepting.  All we want is to be respected as both dads, male and for them to accommodate us even is personally they do get understand or accept our situation. Despite their own views they need to be professional and give us the care we require. This is a nice quote I heard that sums this up perfectly.                 

    'Be prepared as we are entering a system that does not expect us to exist'.

She said that an email was going round about changing the wording on maternity books which is a great discussion happening in this medical field. However many midwives or managers who have not met or cared for a transgender couple in maternity state that it should not be changed. some being very rude that anyone carrying a baby is female. But these are the discussion that need to happen to then channelling peoples presumptions and to then make the necessary changes. She spoke to us about our ideas and options on this because we are the ones it is affecting rather then admins or higher up management. That us trans pregnant couples or the general public who it affects should have the say. She then wrote a email regarding us as the hospitals first trans couple to put forward our preservative. The idea is to chance the wording in maternity note from pregnant women, to pregnant person/ people, as well as leaving space for the person themselves to write their our identity, mother, father or parent as well as own pronounces or title like Miss, Mrs, Mr... This is all very exciting and amazing that having more awareness that trans men do get pregnancy has lead to possible medical documents being amended. So hopefully by the time I try for our third baby, (In a few years) we will get to see and have an input in the remodelling of such a gender system.

(Written at 31 weeks) 

4D scan

Private 4D scan at 30 weeks.

After a difficult week or so, it was so reassuring to see our baby again, to know rainbow was fine, despite being a pickle. As usual Ben has been struggling, bless him being pregnant does not come easy for him, while others may fly though pregnancy with joy and bliss this is not the case for us. Ben has been having braxton hicks, cramps and tightness almost constantly for the last few weeks. The pains come and go but the aching and tightness has become his daily norm. Plus he has had a bit of sickness coming back. On top of this his welcome new symptoms, such as acid reflux, heart burn and ingestion, which does not help the sickness.

He is also now anaemic, thus been put on iron tables. He has really low blood pressure and dizziness to the point that we feels so faint and struggles to get up without having the feeling that he will pass out. This meant that he been having to go to his aunts so that he is not alone while I am at work. Hopefully after a few more days on these iron tables things will settle and he will start getting some energy back. Over the last week he has been in a lot of discomfort generally, therefore has not been able to get comfortable or sleep well. He has a cold too, with hot flushes. The bottom line is Ben just is having a hard time, with almost very pregnancy symptom's going however he is bring our miracle rainbow into this world and we only have 8 weeks and 3 to go.

We have the midwives in two days so we will see how he goes. This appointment is to set out our birth plan to prepare for our C-section as well as postnatal care afterwards. She is also going to put an action plan in place if anything is to happen before the planned c section, that he is to be put on the bay and that I am allowed to stay with him. this is after the confusion we had when we got moved and isolated because one staff decided we were allowed on the ward due to Ben being male. But she has spoken to this staff member and sorted it all out. So I will update next week on how this appointment goes and what our plan is.

On a better note we got to see our rainbow in 4D and high definition today. This was a treat from me to Ben. The place we went was peek-a-baby in Mitcham London. I will post the link to there website below. The staff were lovely and we had no problem at all, they were professional, welcoming and friendly. We were not asked or treated any differently, they respect the fact Ben was male and we were both dads. Which is all we expect, while it is not the norm to have a pregnant man go to clinic's as such, but they did not even question us. The actually scan and photos are lovely and very good quality. I would recommend anyone to go to this private clinic. They are also reasonably priced for what is included. Our package was the cuddly cub, at £79. Which included 10-15 minute DVD of the baby in 4D. Scan photos on a CD, we got around 20 images, as well as 6 colour prints including one that is A4. The staff also gave us a gift bag with a journal, mam bottle and dummy.

We did have longer in there purely because our rainbow was not co-operating, as usual, baby was being cheeky and hiding. Firstly Rainbow was fast asleep, snuggles against the placenta, with both hands over their face. Which is the position the baby is often in, can be seen in the first photo below. We reckon that this is going to be rainbow's sleeping position, and comfort. The sonographer tried to wiggle and get Ben to lay on his side to prompt the baby to move but no hope. We were sent to the waiting room, with instructions to eat or drink something sugary and for Ben to go to the toilet before we try again. After some time we went back into the room for a re-scan, in hope that the baby had moved. Regardless of Ben having Fanta and a doughnut Rainbow was still asleep with one arm across their face this time. Again the sonographier wiggled Ben's belly, getting him to turn and tilted the bed but rainbow was being tricky. The baby was slightly opening their eye which we could see through their fingers but still had that hand in the way. The nurse suggested we played some music, literally moments later Baby was moving around smiling and yawning. It seemed the music woke the baby up, It looked like Rainbow was smiling and singing along which was funny. Defiantly a little dancer in the making. In the end we got to see our baby's face, which was so detailed. It was very special getting to see what our baby will look like. inevitably the baby looked so much like Ben, with chubby high cheeks, his chin and the Guthrie family nose, which all the kids had. It was just magical, then to be able to pick which photos we wanted to print and watch the DVD when we got home so really memorable.

Nico was there with us we could feel his presents, Also after the photos were printed we noticed a small face which we believe was Nico keeping her company, probably encouraging her to be a pickle and hide from us haha. 

References:

Peek-a-baby- https://www.peek-a-baby.co.uk/

(Written at 30 weeks and 3 days) 

our parenting hopes.

How we want to Raise our Rainbow. 

When people get pregnant many of them have plans on how they want to parent either from experience of having children already, experience though work, family or friends having children. or for first time parents from other peoples advice, books, films. What I am trying to say is that no matter the case everyone has their own views of how they will bring up their children. That no one way is the right way because everyone is different, we all have different experience and hope that is what makes this world wonderful. That we are all different and can learn off one an enough. they may be some no so nice people or things that happen which can be well shit. However we learn from things we go though, from our own parents and up bring, which we then discover our own way though some of the more channelling parts of life. Everyone has aspiration for their own children to not go though the bad experience we ourselves have but sometime that can not be avoided. These things make a person who they are. All we truly wish for as parents is our children are happy, safe and be themselves. 

Ben and myself have got ideas and views on who we will be as parents, how we want to bring up rainbow in a caring, trusting, honest and open family. We what to be open with our baby, by letting rainbow be a child and not have to worry about the adult stresses of the world, like money or bills but we also want rainbow to be inquisitive and understand the world they are growing up in. Like the struggles we have had to face as gay trans men. The challenges we have over come to become daddies.

Our baby will probably come across discrimination due to having two dads and both trans. Unfortunately we can do our best to protect them from the world but we can not fully prevent this, so instead will teach them how to deal with what will come there way. to be strong enough to be the bigger person, to educate people as well as know when it is not worth it and to walk away. That there are some people in this world that can be hateful towards other but we want to teach our child that despite this it is important to rise above it and not matter what to be true to oneself. That these people have they own reasons, behind it their is insecurities and hurt so we must educate and support people because you do not know what they are going through. We teach rainbow to be kind and compassionate as well as strong and determined. To be able to face the tough parts of life, the hate from other but understand why these things happens and to learn from it.

That is why we are going to be open about having to use a sperm donor, about losing their big brother and then having them. However as I explained in my previous post we will explain in an age appropriate way adding in more information when they ask and as they get older. We truly believe that when children ask questions they are ready to know the answers, they are trying to make sense of this world and we are there to teach and guild them. Many people may disagree that some there are thing children are not meant to know but by not answering them or dismissing their questions this creates confusion. Even more taking away their willingness to learn, their confidence and trust in you. So we will answer and explain what is necessary to our rainbow or future children because it is important to be honest and open. If they ask something that is inappropriate or that they should not know then we will explain this to them that it is difficult to answer them and that we will get back to them when we have the best way to explain that to them. This means you have time to think instead of answering on the spot when things could be emotional, stressful or not the right time. While you are not just ignoring them or dismissing them. 

Me and Ben want to also use positive parenting technique which you can read more about in the references. This is a way to use technique that encourage good behaviour and praise as well as setting clear boundaries and rules instead of just telling them off. That children misbehaviour not to be naughty or on purpose but in response to what is happening around them. By setting clear rules and boundaries this teaches children what is expected of them, it gives them routine and goals to strive towards. For them to take ownership of their own behaviour by using rewards and praise for doing well, listening and following the rules whist still use appropriate discipline where needed. By informing them about the consequence of breaking rules, so they understand why they are being told off. This helps children have a better positive relationship, along with respect for their parents or general people in their life. That we are doing these things to keep them safe not to be in charge.

Positive parent tips:

On a whole it is about communication and language, just by changing the way you give instructions to children and phasing what you are telling them. Be clear and direct, telling them what you want them to do rather then not to do. For example 'leave that alone please' rather then 'don't touch that.' or food stay on your plate, instead of do not throw food on the floor. This is beacsue of the way the human brain processes information. We automatically hear or see the action before the 'don't' that is why the classic 'do not push this red button' makes people actually wanting to push it. That is because your brain see push it first and prepares your body to do that action then it process the don't and is in conflict with itself. That is why it is important to rephrase thing while Chilren are still developing reasoning and conquences.

On top of this as the child gets over 2-3 they begin to develop more reasoning skills. We can extend this by adding on why you are asking a children to do something. Which help them understand that your instructions have purpose. As an adult we know ourselves that we want to know why something is being asked of us so we can process and respond reasonably. It is the same for children. So by saying ' leave that alone because it will get broken and that will make me sad.' helps their brain development to know that there is a conquences to their actions. That you are not just stating your in charge using term like 'because I say so' or 'I'm the adult you must listen to me' . Is what alot of parents would say. That child then does not create a trusting relationship that is built on mutual respect. They will not learn that their actions have effect on others around them. This phasing technique help them emphasise and reason to then problem solve independently as they grow.

Another good example of all these techniques is 'we need to be gentle with our friends, hitting hurts and they will no longer want to play with you.' It give clear instructions of what is expect as well as why and then what will happen if they continue to hit. It works well as children get older and if you have more then one. By getting sibling to understand each other not just listen to you as the adult. 'your brother told you to stop, you are upsetting him and we need to respect each others feeling'. Just by rephrasing how we explain and teach our children can make a huge Impact on their understanding of the world and their behaviour. By vailding their feeling as well, as getting them to understand others.

Vailding them is another important technique in positive parenting. This makes the child feel heard and important. That they are equal and that it is okay to have feelings. We all get upset and stressed sometimes and it is all about learning to self regulate those emotions. Learning how to act upon them. Therefore it is important to let children cry and scream when appropriate but again teach them the conquences and reasoning behind it. So if they are having a tantrum because they want sweets before dinner explain. 'I understand you are upset and want sweets, as soon as you have dinner you can have them' or if someone has upset them because they are playing with something they want. 'I know you are upset but we have to share with other and it will be your turn next' this is vailding the child letting them know you have heard them,. That it is okay to feel these emotions but then gives them reasoning to help regulate themselves.

Other ways would be that also to lead by example, as parenting is stressful, bills work and many other things can get on top of us as adults but keeping calm is important. If you feel over work make sure you take a minute to yourself, whilst explain this to your children. 'Daddy is feeling alittle overwhelmed right now so I need to have a minute to calm myself down, then I will come play with you.' this models to your child that it is okay to take some time out when needed and that everyone feels this way sometimed That it is acceptable to feel stress but to not take that out on other people. That they are important to you and that you will play with them when your calm. It goes both ways too, so when a children is having a tantrum or upset explain it to them. 'I can see your overwhelmed right now and that is okay, but you take time to calm down then we can talk. ' this give the focus to calm down but also know that it is okay to feel the way they do. Make sure you then follow on from this. 'We'll done you are calm now explain what is wrong, or now we can go and play together'. Other ways would be to get them to understand when it is appropriate. For example when you are out on a busy bus or in a shop. This is where distraction works for young children like, wow look at this or what can you see out the window. But for older children try more explanation. I understand you are upset but you are hurting everyone's ears so you need to calm down please. This is still vailding their feeling but getting them to understand that there are other people around them and to respect their feelings too.

This is something I feel very passionate about myself, with working in a school I have used these techniques especially when working with in Special education because many of the children I have work with have challenging behaviours, or need clear instructions with additional explanation to understand. Children present many behaviours for many reason and they need help to feel safe, heard and comfortable. This is no different for all children and ensure we as adults adapt how we explain and give them the skills to be about to reason and explore the world around them. Therefore I want to use praise, motivation,  encouragement, distraction and reward instead of jumping straight to discipline. It is normal for children to test the boundaries, break rules and have tantrums. it is all part of growing up, figuring out themselves and how they fit into society. Therefore teaching them consequences of breaking these rules and why they are there is much better then just shouting at a child. This in turn creates a stressful environment for everyone, where the child does not understand why they are being told off, shouted at or even what they have done is wrong. In result will not learn from it and carry on misbehaving. If a child does not get good, positive attention, praise or encouragement they may begin to feel unwanted, unloved and unheard by those that are meant to care for them. They will then try to get any attention, even if it is negative because to a child there is no bad attention. They just want to be heard and feel that they matter, but negative attention impacts their own self worth, confidence and view on others. It does not give them healthy, happy relationship for them to build upon. Thus going on to have unhealthy relationship in the future and not having any love or appreciation for themselves. To learn and strive in a supportive environment is the fundamentals for a well rounded person with a content life. 

We will do this by using simple strategies when they are young, for example reward charts, so they are praised on the every achievement from reaching for a toy, trying hard and doing something like getting dressed by themselves or picking up there toys. just for good listening and being safe. These are the key words we use. We will be telling them we are proud of them, that we love them no matter what. or as they get older by giving them a treat at the weekends for being good all week, not just on one occasion. In turn letting them go out for longer, or have a friend over. The older they get we will adapt the reward. Additionally spending time as a family, going on walks and having one on one time with the child as well as each other as parents. Not just being in each other presents but actually paying full attention to your child, listening to them, read together, playing and always have dinner as a family. Real quality time means more to a child then money, toys or any reward. Actually being in the moment and messing around together is important for bonding and the child's well being.

Then by being encouraging, enthusiastic and positive. Making sure we praise our child and do not dwell on failure, to teach them to keeping trying and they can achieve anything they want. that by working hard and never giving up they will strive. That as long as they do their best that is all that matters, because some people are good or better then others. Not everyone can be good at everything therefore we should share our strengths with other to learn from each other, instead of trying to be better then someone, or jealous if other are better at something. The most important of all is that to be themselves, to be true and not worry what others think of them. That they are loved by many and that they have purpose and matter. 

Then in terms of Gender or other peoples expectations in society, we want our children to know how the world is because as much as we hope one day there is no sexism, racism war or discrimination in this world. That gender expectations are erased and everyone if free to be and love who they want without any hate this is not realistic and does actually happen so we will prepare them for this. Yet teaching them to stand up for love and what is right. To educate others and rise above the hate this world is full of. To not dwell on the war and terror but to just be aware of it. That everyone has a right to there opinion as long as they are respectful and let people live their best lives. That Rainbow is free to be themselves. We will ensure this by exposing them to many colours, toys and actives from birth. then allowing them to have freedom to develop their own identity. giving them the creative, expressive opportunities to dress how they want, choice what they play with, what clubs they join and encouraging them to try new things. This opens up many opportunities and room to for them to grow into their own self without influences from other, or fear of being judged. we will care and love unconditionally.

In my mind as long as Rainbow, is truly content in life, that they are kind and understanding to others. that they are living how they what, dressing how they want, doing the dream job or whatever they want to do as long as they are themselves, happy and healthy and respectful then Me and Ben have done our jobs as parents. 

(Written at 30 weeks)

Referance:

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/media/1195/positive-parenting.pdf

https://bilingualkidspot.com/2018/10/31/what-is-positive-parenting-tips-techniques/

History of me and Ben

How me and Ben met

Ben and I have been together over 3 years but official only 2 years 10 months. Which actually is not very long, however we have been though so much it feels like a life time. This is the first photo we took together when we met.             

So we actually met on Facebook, we were on a trans support page where we had commented on things and been in conversations but had not actually spoke one to one. We had a lot of mutual friends as well. Being  a part of a community like the LGBT+ one, you soon learn that everyone knows each other in some way or another, or have the same mutual friends. It's a close supportive group and we ended up realising we been at a lot of prides and events at the same time without knowing really who each other was. 

So it was November 2016, that we truly started speaking all day everyday. We very quickly got to know each other. I was having a difficult time I had just come out as trans was still figuring out my sexuality and what this all meant to me.  How I fit into my world, my family and uni as a man. I had not long broke up with my ex. As I transition it dug up a lot that had happened in my past, which i had to come to terms with all at the same time.  

Ben came around at the right time, he really was a saver to me. He was there for me when I needed someone the most. At first as a friend, then became more as our connection was just unexpected. He had been though his own challenges with transitioning so we were able to understand each other on a deeper level. We had simpler pasts and were just perfect for each other then and still are. 

After texting, face timing and calling whenever we could, Ben travelled to Canterbury to come and stay we me on the 6th of December 2016.I remember being so nervous to have him come and stay with me. He come to my show choir Christmas concern. I loved to sing but had not really let people come and hear, because I was had no confident. Despite this I have not stopped singing to Ben and the baby too since that day. He loves me singing to him. He has given me so much confidence and supports me in anything I do. 

After that concern, we went to a LGBT+ night with all my friends. He got thrown in the deep end meeting all my closest friends and housemates that night. He did get a drunk lecture off my two closest friends about looking after me which was funny. I felt for him that night when we had our first kiss, as we had a sneaking one, hoping my friends did not see. That did not last long they all knew by the end of the night. He made me happy and they all my friends liked Ben, that meant a lot to me. 

We then got together on the
16/12/2016. I went to stay with him a in London and just had to ask him out officially. We Practical moved in together when he moved to ashford in February. In April when Ben had surgery he stayed with me in my uni house before, we moved to London together in May. We lived with his family until November 2017 when we moved into our current 2 bed flat. The summer before this Ben proposed to me at trans pride in July 2017,
we got married the next year in May 2018.

In June we found out we were pregnant with Nico, now a year later we are 29 weeks with our second baby. Although it many seem quick, I love him so much and would not have had it any other way. 

There has been many people though out the years saying we got together too quickly, that we moved to fast however I do not believe that, I feel that once you know then life is to short to not follow your heart. It was right for Ben and myself so that is all that mattered. Here we are almost three years later we are living together, marriage and daddies to our angel and a rainbow baby due in 10 weeks. 

That is a brief, quick explanation of how we met, and our life over the last 3 years. For a more in depth tour of our lives, check out our first post on our previous blog, link at the bottom. As well as our planning for a family and pregnancy with Nico. Which I will go over briefly now, however for more details click the link below for previous blog. 

Planning for a family. 

Me and Ben always knew as kids that we wanted our own family, we longed for that perfect life. However being trans and gay your made to believe that you can not achieve this. That having this 'norm' of marriage, children is harder and just not expected within the LGBT+ community. We then realised that this is not the case, it is how others perceived us but just because we were gay or trans we were not going to let that stop us from having our dream family. 

Firstly we thought adoption was our only option, being trans and male you get told by other trans people, by doctors and gender specialists as well as general society then men can not have children, or are not meant to. Meaning that if we wanted to be seen as men and transition how could we want children. You know because men do not have that desire like women. Society believes it is only women how are material, this is sexist and complete untrue. Men can be nurturing as well as wanting a family and kids. How can anyone truly state that men would not want to carry a child if men had the biology to do so. We had the desire and a womb to be able to have that opportunity to carry a child. Something many people want but can not because they are infertile in some way or another, or have many complication. Trans men carrying their babies is more common then people realise. 

I had complications myself due to have poly cystic ovaries, hip and back injuries as well as being so petite. I was not on hormones but close to getting them therefore I did not want to carry a child at this time. Ben on the other hand really wanted to experience having his own child. I was actually surprised when he told me he wanted to carry, of course I supported him. Whatever it took we wanted a family and he wanted to be pregnant, hence we started researching into it. Ben spoke to gender specialist to get the best knowledge and support to proceed. Other people around us were also surprised but unfortunately not so supportive of Ben's decision, but nothing would stop us achieving our dreams.  There is stigma and not much research into trans men carrying a child, especially as Ben had been on hormones. He came off hormones in summer 2017 to settle his cycles, to have checks to see if he could carry. 

Once Ben's cycles had returned regularly and we were able to plot his ovulation each month. We then set out look for sperm donor. We could not afford going though a clinic and doing IVF. We did not get funding because a  trans, gay couple were not seen as an infertile couple in thee eye of the NHS. Therefore we looked for private sperm donors on Facebook group. This came with many challenges, disappointment and some discrimination, which was to be expected. 

We did actually have one donation from a know donor, he was very common and later we found out he had over 800 kids that were conceived though donations, along with three himself. Thankful it did not take with him, but that left us with no donor the next month. It was hard to find someone who respect us a gay dads, and trans. To not discrimination or judge us. We did have many rude and disrespectful comments as well as some very explicitly sexual ones. But after a few months a donor got in touch with us. After meting him and getting to know him, his family history, medical history we decided to use him in may 2018

Obviously we wanted to ensure he was healthy, he had taken sexual health sex to rule out any STI's along with general medical health checks, all results were clear. We then met again to discuss his rights, how that because me and Ben were marriage this stripped him of rights automatically. As Ben would have full maternal rights being the one carrying and I as his husband would have parental father rights. I will be on the birth certificate meaning we did not have to worry about the donor later trying to get custody. This was one of the reasons we got marriage quickly, to give us the donor and our child that security by law. However the donor did not wanting contact, he was an older gay man who had a husband and they were happy with not having their own children. Our donor just wanted to help other families especially LGBT couple have children. His husband was on board and everyone was in agreement. This meant a lot to us having a gay man help us because he then understood our relationship, there was not conflict or need to explain, he just understood and became part of our unique journey.

He is the same donor we used for Nico and for rainbow. He had been so supportive and willing to help us again. We were the first couple he help and we soon became friends with him, not just him being a donor. He kept in contact thought out the pregnancy to see how we were. When we lost Nico it hit him too, he grieved too and was there for us the whole time. He came to the memorial the hospital organised earlier this year. We have met up for lunch with him recently and it been lovely to build a friendship and bond with someone who is important in creating our family together.

When the baby is here all he asks if to know their here safe and have a photo. There he will have as little contact as we want or as the child wants when they are older enough to understand. We are not going to lie to our child as being trans and gay, our child will know as they get older that naturally we could not have brought babies into the world without help. Therefore we will explain this as early as possible by being age appropriate building up information the older they get, we think this is important. I have written a short book just simply explain how rainbow came into the world in a way a child will understand.

The other night I randomly woke up with this lovely thought of how to explain it all which I will share because I think it is a beautiful way for a child to understand the world.

So we will explain that when someone is born they either have an egg or a seed, that most girls have an egg and boys have the seeds however sometime a girl can have a seed and boys can have eggs. That to make a baby you need an egg and a seed so if two people full in love and have the same then they have to get help from some who has the opposite in order to create a new little human. we will tell them that is what we did to create both our babies.

I will explain that 'daddies both had eggs and feel in love. We loved each other so much and wanted a family. That we really wanted you.' this made us sad that we did not have a seed therefore a very kind friend who had one let us use it to create you'

That is what I will tell our child. Then as they grow up and learn in more detail about how the world works and about reproduction in school, what we tell them will all be true and make sense. Rather then these stories of a stork bringing a baby as then when the child learns, they will be confusion or feel lied to. We do not want this, thus being honest from the start. If our child asks questions they are ready for the answer but as the adults we have to adapt the way we explain to the best of our knowledge, while being age appropriate. This way the child is free to ask questions about the world they live in and how they came into the world. They will be inquisitive, intelligent, young minds.

I will talk in more detail in my next post about how we want to raise this baby, what learning and discipline techniques we want to try and just general how we will raise them. So keep posted

(Written at 29 weeks)

Links:

https://twotransdaddies.blogspot.com/2018/06/first-we-found-each-other.html?m=1&zx=4a552d996b0afead