28 weeks scan.

We made it to 28 weeks.

This is another pregnancy milestone for us, with the lost of our son at 16 weeks a year ago on the 29th. Not only was it a year since we lost him on the day of our scan but we were also in our third trimester and at a gestational stage where our rainbow has a even higher chance of survival.

This is so important being high risk and having already lost a baby. Along with the fact that rainbow gave us a scare a few days ago where Ben was getting contractions and pressure we thought we was going to make a early appearance. You can read about this scare and our son on my previous 2 posts this week.

I have not written any post updates since 26 weeks then a post everyday for last 3 days, so hopefully you had a chance to read them and catch up on how we have been. Which  considering we are actually doing better then I thought. Today with it being the anniversary of our son, as well as us having a scan and our specialist to talk about Ben's Caesarean section we were expected to be anxious. We set out early to the hospital, concentrating on our appointments to allow us later in the day to grieve and celebrate our son.

So firstly the maternity bereavement midwife who we had seen throughout this year came to see us while we waited for our scan. She knew today was difficult and wanted to check on us. This was so lovely as we talked about Nico and what we had planned for today as well as our hopes for this special little one who was our gift from Nico. She stayed for a while just chatting, and I know this helped Ben a lot. He seen her more then me, mainly due to me working. She been there after we lost Nico and also make sure that she keeps updated with everything.

Then we had our scan, we had the same sonographer for most of our scans, well the main booked ones, not when we had extra emergency ones. But having the same person is so great because you build that bond and trust. She had also been the one who did Nico's 12 weeks scan, which means she already knew about the lost so we did not need to explain it. She knew that we were anxious and worried therefore she explained everything she was looking for, what they check, what part of the baby she is measuring, she lets us have a bit longer looking at rainbow, watching them wiggle and hearing the heartbeat. She also prints off extra photos for us too.

This time was no different, she checked our babies brain and heart, measured their head, leg, and abdominal. Saw the feet and hands waving. The baby also was opening their month and having a good stretch. The scan did show that rainbow is still measuring a bit big, a week or so ahead. Estimating the baby's weight is 3.1 lb already so going to be big and healthy.

After our scan we headed down to our appointment with Austin our specialist. Where we caught him up on how we had been over the last. Few weeks. We have not had an appointment with him since we were 21 weeks. Meanwhile we had bump into him a few times when we have been in for checks, when the baby decides to not move for days or cause contractions. So he knew bits and pieces of what had been going on. We also discussed Ben having a Ceasarean section and he was so good that he agree and booked us in already. This was because we wanted to have the baby as soon they are allowed to book elected C-sections which is 39 weeks. We will be 39 week exactly when our little rainbow enters the world.

Rainbow birth is official all booked in, with just over 10 weeks to go. Now it is time to start really getting ready. Although it seems like a long time away, it will fly by and we will have our precious baby in our arms.

Scan from today- 28 weeks

Other updates so far: We have now got most of the bed bedroom finished, just finish touches like wall stitches to be put up and bedding on. Only main thing to still order is the Moses basket and bedding.

I have washed all the baby clothes right up until 6 months and ironed most of the 0-3. The babies hospital bag is all packed and ours is pack for one night's worth of stuff and toiletries in case of emergency. Look out for the next post on what to pack in hospital bags, focusing on the difference when being trans. What to take or what we then do not needs.

I know it's early we still have 10 weeks however we are high risk and I like to be prepared if the baby decided to come early. I don't know if Ben will hold out up to 39. If Ben was to go into early labour before 39 weeks, they would perform the C section to deliver the baby because he has already elected for one, including the fact they would have to remove the stitch. Despite this if he went into labour too early they would try prevent it or hold it off for as long as possible to give the baby every fighting chance to develop that bit longer.

For this reason, plus my OCD (self diagnosed.) I just am over prepared. Thus with me going back to work next week and working long hours I will not have much time to do anything. Ben is still on Ben's rest up until at least 34 weeks then, is slowly able to do more but can not do too much in the way of the nursery. Therefore made sense to just get the main stuff done while I was off and had the time. Then over the next few weeks we can finish bits up like ironing, getting the last bits together, planning for the baby shower. Anyhow using the weekend to just spend time together, because when the baby come we will not get much alone time.

Look out for our next few post on some tips and plans for leading up to the birth as well as some more that are about our hopes and plans of what sort of parents wee want to be. I will also do a post for those of you new reader who have not read my first blog twotransdaddies. Where I have wrote about how me and Ben met, how we planned and actually had a baby using a sperm donor. But please do go and read my other blog.

(Written 28 weeks + 2 days)

Nico 1st year anniversary

Our Angels first heavenly birthday.

Trigger warning:

• Talking about losing a baby,- Miscarriage
• Death.
• Mental health 
• Includes Photo of our son at 16 weeks.

In memory of our son. Nico Joyce Lewis-Evans 

It is a year today that our son Nico Joyce became an angel on the 29/08/18, the day our hearts broke and a piece of our souls went with him. I wanted to just share about how we lost him and why it happened. Mainly to celebrate and share his memory but also to highlight the importance of awareness. Miscarriage and stillbirths are very common and not really spoken about because of this negative stigma. Lets break it, speak out about your story and journey lets not forget those precious babies that where too perfect for this world and lost too soon. 

I know on my other blog about our pregnancy with Nico (see link at the bottom of this post.) I wrote about what happened on that day but did not go into detail about the postmortem or what happen after his death. I will discuss this, to spread awareness about infections and incontinent cervix in pregnancy. That it is common to get infections, mostly they are easily treatable if, it is detected early. Thus I will talk about how to get checked and support that is out there before, anymore babies have to be lost because people do not realise what to do. 

It has been a rough year, we are both doing better emotionally and now able to talk about Nico more, and to celebrate his life. However grief never goes away, you do not just get over it. Despite being told my many people including family that we can just have another baby, that it will be fine and to just move on. No we can not just replace our child! We can try again when we are both ready but it is not as simple as just having another baby. We need to be mentally as well as physically ready. Yes we are having another baby after a year but it took a lot of time and grieving and anxieties to try again. We wanted to add to our family, by no means replacing Nico in any way. 

This type of grief especially is a difficult one that stays with you forever, like there is a whole inside that will never be filled. It does get easier to a degree, being able to manage day to day. While living in this shadow waiting for the next thing to go wrong. There is some harder days when everything reminds you of the loss or when we are going about the day then a shock hits and your taken right back to that day he passed. It feels like walking into a wall, there is a wave that sinks your heart, a pain I can not describe. Sometimes this can be trigger by a memory, hearing his name, watching or reading about others losing a baby or it can just happen out of nowhere for no reason. 

That being said we have come a long way in this year. When we first had Nico, I honestly did not know how to feel. I was numb and lost. Ben was so depressed, lost and broken, I hated watching him in pain knowing there was nothing I could do. I just concentrated on looking after him and doing all I could to ensure he was safe. I really struggled as everyday I was terrified I would loss him too. He was at breaking point, not only physically with losing so much blood, being rushed into theatre and having a blood transfusion, but also mentally he really had given up. 

However hard as it was we had each other and I am thankful for that, as well as support we got from friends. Ben and my relationship did get effected a little, as I keep myself busy and throw my energy into work. where as Ben pushed me, well everyone away and got distant. Despite this we are so strong and had gone through a lot already so we were not going to let this break us. In the long run we were able to really connected and it made us stronger. Losing a child can either break or bring people together. Nico certainly brought us closer and gave me and Ben a connection which will never be broken. We will always have him keeping us strong. 

After a few more months, we got his postmortem back and had his funeral to finally put our son to rest helped. We were then able to grieve for him, as well as look to the future. We will never replace him nor forget him. while we still wanted to try again, adding another baby to our already unique family. Nico will always be our first born, our son and a big brother. 

After the postmortem and the new year we planned to try again as we knew that Ben was able to have another baby. We found out it was nothing to do with him or anything we did wrong. In fact it was a very common infection that could have been prevented, if only the doctors had listen to us weeks before, when Ben was ill. However we had no knowledge of this infection which was Bacteria Vaginosis (BV). It is not regularly checked for in pregnancy and can be harmful when not detected or treated. While with a simple swab test and antibiotics it is treatable and easily avoided. The specialist told us that there is a low chance to get the infection again in a future pregnancy and if we do we can be treated early and monitored, that it is very unlikely to have another miscarriage. 

I will explain what BV is and how it is test for and treated. That due to knowing the cause with Nico passing, we have had more tests and check up in this pregnancy with rainbow. Along with other tests, which gave us even more knowledge into why we lost Nico from such a harmless common infection. This was in-conjunction with having a short cervix. I will talk about how these two things are linked, even though not many professional will make this connection. We are just so thankful that we had an amazing team and a specialist who was able to support us. 

What is BV? 
Bacteria Vaginosis is an infection in the vagina, that is caused by a bacterial imbalance. This happens when you do not have enough Lactobacilli, referred to as friendly bacteria. This is acidic and prevents unwanted bad bacteria to grow however when someone has BV the bad bacteria then grows because of the lack of Lactobacilli. Pregnancy makes this more common because of changes in hormones. BV can cause an increase in discharge but does not really present any symptoms. Also it is quiet common to have increased discharge, therefore BV can go undected. 

BV is tested by a simple swab of the discharge in the vagina. Most people will only realise they have it when having swabs for something else, like thrush. If you do have any grey yellow discharge that has an slight odor or your normal amount of discharge increases make sure you get checked. Especially in pregnancy, do not assume it is just normal pregnancy symptoms it could be but there no harm to get tested if you are worried. It is not a routine check during pregnancy however I think it should be. BV is unlikely to effect pregnancy and as I stated it is very common to get this in pregnancy. Although it can cause complications if left untreated or people are unaware they have it. these include:

• Going into labour early- preterm.
• Causing miscarriage or stillborn
• Having an infection in the womb after birth. 

A simple swab test and antibiotics can prevent this.

Nonetheless this was not the case for us. Ben had BV and it was not detected. He has no symptoms, no discharge, nothing. He was ill a few weeks up to us losing Nico however as I had a fever and chest infection. I was hospitalised on a drip due to being dehydrated and my asthma being effected. We had the ambulance out and kept going to the GP for Ben as he just knew something was not right. He was getting no sickness or pregnancy feelings but was ill and getting bad cramps. The doctors did not even take blood, swabs or test his urine. They just said he had a chest infection and it would not harm the baby. While we and the doctors assumed Ben had just caught my chest infection, now we believe it was his body fighting this infection. 

It was not until later at the Nico's postmortem that we found out Ben had BV. We were told that it is normally harmless without symptoms however this caused a E-coil bacteria to get up into his womb and was in the fluid surrounding the baby. Nico was swallowing this bacteria in the waters, which lead him to get pneumonia. This is an infection in the lungs causing coughing, fever, chills all the symptoms Ben displayed however it was the baby who had the illness. This caused Ben's waters to break at 16 weeks and we lost our baby. He was born at 16 weeks 3 days sleeping, he was an angel before birth.

Knowing this we made sure that in this pregnancy we got tested for BV, Ben got tested and treated after these postmortem results. Then again when we first got pregnant where he was all clear. At around 8 weeks he had a slight bleed and showed slight bacterial change on a swab test so was put on the antibiotics to do safe. Ben got tested a few times throughout the pregnancy to make sure it did not return even though we were reassured by our specialist that it was very unlikely to reoccur after treatment. 

Our specialist also order for cervical lengthening scans (I have spoken about this in previous post) but I have not explained fully why he got them. So in most cases BV does not effect pregnancy, people can have it and not know about it and it does not usually cause any harm. But it had got up into Ben's cervix and waters therefore our specialist made the connection that his cervix must have shorten to allow the spread of the infection up to the womb. He told us not many people realise this connection until they lose even more babies. This meant that despite he infection Ben cervix would have shorten and it could have still resulted in complications, with the loss of our baby. Realising this our specialist wanted to check Ben's cervix every 1-2 weeks from 14 weeks. The shortening or opening of the cervix pre-term, before 37 weeks is called inconstant cervix. I have discuss what IC this and why it posses risks, so please read previous posts, I will link them at the bottom. 

We did already have some knowledge about IC because Ben's cousin had it, we did join online groups and talking to others who had IC as well. We found that it was very common, lots of people had lost babies because of this or because of the infections that can be caused by it. 

Again IC it is not something that is routinely checked for in pregnancy and should be. There should be more awareness and tests in place to prevent the loss of babies. That someone could be checked and treated before having to go though the pain me, Ben and many others have experienced. To reduces the pain of grieving parents and save more lives. All with a simple scan, and swab. In regards to this as it is not checked for routinely we want to spared the awareness of making sure if you suspect something is not right, as you you know your body best. Even if you feel your annoying medical professionals just know your doing the right thing by getting checked. Even if there is nothing wrong but if there is, you can catch it early. If we knew more and got swabs done or Ben's cervix checked, maybe our son would still be alive. But we did not know about any of these complications. Now that we do know, we have fought for tests, checks and did anything we needed to make sure this baby is fine. Please follow you gut, make sure you stand up and get the care that we deserve. 

Thought out this pregnancy we have had worries and scares with infections early on, some spotting and also reduced movements. I have explained these in previous post but not really spoke about how that truly feels when you have had a previous loss. Everyone worries and has these scares in pregnancy however when you have had a miscarriage, stillborn or lost a child soon after birth, you worry even more. We were not able to bond with this baby or get excited until recently. Even when we got past 16, then 24 and now 28 weeks it does not get better. We will have this worry and fear until this baby is alive in our arms. Although we are getting nearer to the birth and in a safer gestation in terms of survival rates it still feels like a dream, like something is going to happen and take our happiness away all over again. Ben has vivid dreams that we lose rainbow as well. I have panics and days where I just can not shake that feeling that something is going to happen. This has got worse the nearer we get to Nico's anniversary. 

Everytime something happened, even if it was simple Ben getting a few pains we got this feeling which is hard to explain. Unless you have been in this situation it is hard to grasp. Where as if you sadly have, I am sure your will know, that feeling that just sinks in your stomach. It is like your going to either cry, scream or just faint, as someone is ripping your insides out. There is this real physical pain in your heart/chest. Then even when professionals reassures you, when we hear our baby's heartbeat or see them on a scan. While there is a wave of relief, this feeling deep down waiting for this bad thing to happen is all to real. Hoping with every fibre that it does not. 

If you have lost a baby or anyone close to you has know you are not alone, there is many different ways to grief but know that there is support professional or people in the same position to help you. It helped us a lot by joining Facebook support pages where we could talk to people who have gone though a loss. They understood giving us advice, reassurance or just listened. Seeking professional help like counselling can help too, however normally there is a long waiting lists and it is very standard therapy that does not work for everyone. We had to wait 6 months before being able to get specialist bereavement counselling from a midwives and although we did seek other bereavement counselling it was not specialised in loss due to stillborn or miscarriage. We did not follow it thought. It is because it was more standard grieving for losing someone in your life rather then a baby that we had planned for and wanted so much. 

There is a very different grieving process with various feelings in general when losing a baby. This grief is not any more or less then what someone may feel when losing another loved one, it is just different in ways I do not think I can really explain. Just the what if questions, why did this happened? Was it something we did? Could we have prevented it, if we pushed more? All the plans that we made together just ripped away. Then there are all the first, today for instance it has been a year. He should be one and celebrating his birthday here, not in heaven. Then the more hard days to come like when he would have first gone to school, gone to secondary, collage, uni even, got married had his own family. All those hopes and wishes that no longer existed, is one of the hardest things to process. Thinking everyday about what he would have looked like, what eye or hair colour he had, would he have Ben's green eyes and smile. What would his first word be or if he would take after us.

I know that there will be many hard days ahead but we want to cherish his memory, We will never let him be forgotten. We will tell our rainbow baby all about rainbows big brother who has given us the best gift; a chance to be daddies once more. Nico will be there to watch over and guide us all. He will forever be in our thoughts and hearts. 

Today we are celebrating his first birthday by going though his photo book and all his things in his box, spending time looking over his things and thinking of him. Remembering him with a candle light and balloon release, please we ask you to join us at 8 pm, light a candle and say a few words to our boy. Post them, share his name Nico Joyce Lewis-Evans. Tag us #twotransdads

Happy 1st birthday our angel son I hope you know we love and miss you loads. 

                          photo of Nico funeral. 

links:
Nico's blog- https://twotransdaddies.blogspot.com/?zx=c7d8778998136220

more information about BV:

https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a25005923/bacterial-vaginosis-in-pregnancy

Monitoring baby's movements.

 This one keeps us on edge.

We have had a some worries over the last few weeks, same I have spoken about in terms of Ben getting lower pains, cramps and tingling sensations. We have also been concerned a few times because of reduced movements. 

Obviously it is hard at first to feel strong movements or get a pattern where the baby is still so small. However we are coming up to 28 weeks now, where Ben is feeling a lot more movement. I have even felt them a lot too. When we talk to the baby or rub his bump, they kick our hands. The baby likes to also kick when Ben has this phone resting on his stomach, like the first time he ever felt them. Along with kicking the cats when they come to cuddle up near Ben's bump. This is funny because the cats are so confused, laying there asleep one minuet then they jump up staring at Ben's belly not knowing what had happened.

In spite of this there are days where Ben does not feel the baby kicking or moving around as much. They have been on and off small movements unlike the big flips and kicks that the baby been doing more recently. So again it makes us worried. We know that it is normal to not have a pattern yet, nor to feel every movement due to Ben's placenta being anterior (at the front). Therefore cushioning the baby's movements 

He does what is advice by drinking cold water, or eating something sugary which sometime does the trick. Then laying on his left side with no distractions just concentrating on feeling for movements. Last week there was no movement, then going into day two still nothing until, Ben craved MC Donald's. The moment he started eating the baby was jumping around in there so clearly needed MC Donald's too. Meanwhile, when he has not felt any movements after 2 days we get worried, thus going in for a check. Previously they have just checked the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler, then made sure Ben's stitch was all in place because of having pains or pressure below.

We also had an extra scan I mentioned at 26 weeks after it being 3 days. This time it got to the third day again and being nearly 28 weeks, they checked the heartbeat as well as putting Ben on a fetal monitor. This is two probes that are strapped on his belly, one picks up the baby's movements and the other picks up the heart rate. Ben was also given a button to press every time he felt a movement to measure how many he could feel compared to how much movement the machine pick up withing a 20 minute period. The machine bleeps every time it picks up movement. Not only are we able  to hear the heartbeat, we could also hear the baby's movements. The monitor picked up 27 movements yet Ben only felt 8. This goes to show that the baby was fine, that they are wiggling around just not strong enough or in a position where Ben can feel.

Although it is very important to go get checked if you are concerned, if there is a reduction in movements but also do not panic, firstly try and resist eat and drink to see if you can feel up to 10 movements in 2 hours, this is the recommend however also just relax and know it is very common to sometime not feel every movement. Especially when having a anterior placenta.That being said also seek medical attention to be on the safe side, there rather you come in then sit and worry. 

This is a photo of Ben on the monitor and a recording of our rainbows heartbeat/ movements.

Added on from yesterday, we end up back up the hospital again, this baby sure does like to panic us. So as I have already mentioned Ben's been getting cramps and pains over last few weeks and more so these last couple of days. So this morning he woke up feeling very sick and had cramps. Around 9 after breakfast these pains got worse, he had back ache and sharp pains too. Then he started to get tightness. This tightness was constantly there with his back ache, however the pain and serve tightness got worse and closer together. At first we assumed they were braxton hicks but as Ben was nearly in tears huddled over on the sofa with only 1-2 minutes in between each one, I booked a taxi to take him in. We rang them on the way and they said to go straight to delivery.

When we got there we were seen very quickly, and put on the monitor straight away. She also did Ben's observation and his heart rate was quiet high. This could be due to being hot and later it did go down but it is still higher then it should. We were on the monitor for an hour and a half. It was nice to listen to baby's heartbeat and hear movements for this length of time. While on the monitor Ben had a further 5 contractions where the midwife gave him gas and air. Then some pain relief later on. After around 2 hours being there the doctor checked Ben's cervix and the stitch, which was all in place and no sign of dilating or labour.

However we were sent up to the birthing centre to be kept in for 24 hour just as a precaution. We been up on this ward when been had the stitch in so a least it was familiar and the midwives knew us up there. Also it was a lot cooler as it was 32 degree outside. Ben had a few contractions in the early evening, but they were not as regular as this morning.

Later that evening after the midwives had handed over to the night staff, they checked on Ben before getting his medication and wee went to sleep. I then got woken up at half 10 by a nurse who did not know us to be told to leave. That partners where only allowed to stay til 10 now. But this point its past half 10 at night, its dark no way of me really getting home. So I asked to speak to the manager. I can get very stern and know my rights and get the care we need. I have had to be because of losing our son but also as a trans person you have to build up this resilience. The midwife in charge let me stay because I had no been informed at half 2 when we were admitted therefore was there mistake. But we had to move to aa private room due to be unfair to let me stay but make the only other person on the wards partner go home. The next morning there was a confusion were we had another manage trying to make out we had to move rooms due to being uncomfortable on a female maternity ward and that staff have not experienced a trans couple before. However it had nothing to do with the situation and just made her own assumptions. Telling us we needed to put a plan in place for this kinda of thing or when we give birth.

She had not read our note, nor did she know our situation. We did not know about our previously loss a year ago tomorrow. She did not even know we were high risk or got all facts before going in to speak with us. She did not explain much before disappearing, saying she would return. So we range one of our midwives and explained so. She said she deal with it and talk to this manager. That me, Ben, herself and Mel would all sit and talk about Ben's plan off care after the baby is born once we know about when his C-section is likely to be.

Anyhow Ben's was fine this morning, no more tightness or pains like yesterday, only the pulling of round ligament pains where our little one is growing. Rainbow was also moving and kicking a lot last night. We were cuddled on the hospital bed and she was kicking my back. Then moving again this morning. We listened to her heart beat on the Doppler which the midwives said was 156 beats per minute, very strong and regular. The doctor came in to do Ben glucose gestational diabetes test, did a swab and urine sample before we were discharge off home to rest. We already had a scan booked for the morning as well as our specialist clinic afterwards.

(Written 28 weeks) 

Rainbow needs a name!

Choosing a name and sorting out the nursery. 

We are 26 weeks now, which is amazing and with every week the more chances our little rainbow has to grow, develop and be able to survive if born early.

So we are starting to get more excited, she is kicking away too. Me and Ben are now starting to get excited. Before this in the early weeks of pregnancy we could not even bring ourselves to talk about the future but now we are not only talking about plans for the pregnancy and baby but also future in terms of moving next year and jobs or what type of nursery we want the baby to go to. discussing what sort of parent we will be in terms of positive parenting, where we encourage and praise as well as how we will discipline our child. How we are going to tell them and teach them about the world they live in and the unique way they entered it. It is so good be actually plan, get excited and be able to bond with the baby. It finally feeling very real and in a few more weeks we will have a baby here. 

One of these talks has been a lot about a name for our rainbow. This has been more challenging then we thought. When we had Nico we knew that was the name we liked and wanted to use. It was usual but also not too different. Easy to pronounce, spell and say. It was gender neutral. So we loved it however this time we just cannot seem to feel the same way towards a name. There are a few names we like but none that gives that feeling when you find know it is the right and love it. So we have been looking a different apps and pages that have list of hundreds of names but we are still yet to decided. I am sure when we find the perfect fit and when they are born we will just know but for now we are still on the search. So if anyone has any ideas please share and comment whether it is a gender neutral, boys or girls names list them and help us out. 

We have also started sorting the baby room out, I build the bed back into a cot, got a new mattress. I have started to wash all the baby clothes, this means we have an idea of what we still needed and what we definitely have enough of. Like clothes! I think this baby has more clothes then us together plus a bit more. We have something like 30+ Sleepsuits, that is just the 0-3. Vest and bibs for every day for a month. So no more clothes! Well we keep saying this, yet we cannot help ourselves when we see something we like, especially if it is rainbow or has monkeys or sloths on it. There was a baby event and I
could not help myself, they had  loads of sloth things so we just had to get it all. 

My OCD has calmed down a bit, as I have started writing lists and planning what I will do on each day which has helped my mind from spinning with the overwhelming amount to do. Although I am still too prepared. I have already sterilised all toys, teethers, play mates and I have washed all the hats, socks, Mittens, and muslin's. Cleaned bouncier chairs, washed and clean the pram and car seat. I have packed the baby bits for the hospital, plus emergency share clothes for us both.

I have bleach the room from ceiling to flood,washing the skirting boards, walls and furniture. I cleaned the windows inside and out, vanished and steamed the carpet. Cleaned inside the build in wardrobes, the cot and so forth. Meaning with everything cleaned I can sort out where certain furniture will go in the bedroom. Then finishing washing, ironing and putting clothes away. Thus seeing all the last little this like storage draws, and decoration to put final finishing touches

I have just built the changing unit, I had to get the tram go to IKEA and get an Uber (this is a taxi service) back with it all due to being let down to go and collect it. Then I built it with Ben sitting and letting me what to do as he could not physically help. He hates that he can not do much and help me with the room. Which is sad because we should be creating the nursery together. He does help where ever he can or comes in to lay in there with me while i am doing things. He however did take so some photo of me struggling by myself so I will post them below.

This is me putting the suit together, then the finished look of the changing unit with some bits, but still need to get few bits for it.

I have just Started washing all the clothes and putting them away. Especially with having so many clothes, it is hard to decided what bits are going in the draw or what to hang up. also what else needs to go in the changing unit. Even with me starting to organise early, there is still a lot to do. If anyone else has OCD and then nesting on top of that your understand how I am feeling and my uncontrollable need to clean.

We have brought most of the stuff we need well the big bits. Just the Moses basket left to get which Ben's family are buying. My dad brought the changing unit and my mum is sorting all the washing stuff, Cloths, cotton wall, creams/body wash and then we can stocking us up on Nappies, Wipes, and some formula. 

Most of the last bits we need are bedding, so sheets for Moses basket, sheets for cot and general blankets. As well as bottle brushes, travel pots for formula, thermometer for bath then first aid/medicine bits. A changing mat, some storage boxes for the shelves in the changing unit to keep nappies and bits in. 

I Brought rainbow their first outfit to come home in which is from her brother Nico

We have another scan on the 29th which is Nico's date of birth, a year since he became an angel. This will be hard as until we see rainbow and know they are fine, we will worry. But I know Nico will be proud of us, he will be watching and keeping us all safe from heaven. Than that evening we will take time to light a candle, go through his stuff, do a balloon release all to celebrate him.

So please we ask everyone to light a candle with us on that day. I will do a post anyways for our scan and then please like a candle on social media and join us to celebrate our angels first heavenly birthday.

(Written at 26 weeks)

26 weeks.

Update at 26 weeks. 

So this post will be about the development at 26 weeks pregnant, along with how Ben and baby are doing,

So at 26 weeks baby is about the size of a butternut squash, bowling pin or rabbit. Measuring around 3.5 cm and weighting 2 pounds (lb) (This is just an average estimate)

At this gestation the baby has a greater survival rate around 80% at 26 and more then 90% by week 27, which is something that is important with high risks pregnancy like ours. As every week and milestone is a huge relief to us. It gives us weeks to get to, like this week and our next is 28 then 32 ect...

So baby is now putting on more fat and muscle to keep them warm, they can start to regulate their own temperature and look less wrinkly. They are practising breathing, by swallowing amniotic fluid. This is preparing their lungs for that first breath when they are born. They are also able to hear a lot better and sense light from inside the womb. So it is the best time, if you have not yet started to talk, read and sing to baby. Play music and sing along to bump. This will help baby recognise yours and your parents voice.

Babies at this stage will also start opening their eyes, as well as there nostrils. their taste bubs are full developed as they can slightly taste what you eat from the fluids around them.

How you might be feeling at 26 weeks pregnant.

If you have not started to feel the heat, you can look forward to the hot flushes, as blood flow and hormones increase this makes you feel warmer and your skin may become blotchy or itchy. Remember to drink lots of fluids and rest to keep your self cool, especially in the hot summer months. As it has been so hot this summer with heat waves above 30 degree which is high for London, Ben has been suffering from hot flushes and heat in general. A good fan, drinking cold water and having regular showers has helped. Restless legs and swelling in hands, feet and legs continues. More so with the uterus now ascending up into the rib cage, you may start feeling short of breath and finding it hard to catch your breath. Try laying on you sides and not on your back as this elevates the pressure. ensuring you take it slow up the stairs or when walking so you do not get out of breath and dizzy. If you do then take a break, sit or lay down if possible and again drink lots of water. 

Along with shortness of breath and round ligament pains, false contractions known as braxton hicks can start, this is just your body practising and preparing the muscles that it needs in labour. Unlike real contractions these will be infrequent, uncomfortable but not painful. However if you think you are experiencing real contraction, that are regular, painful, increase in intensity and frequency then call and go to the hospital. Other signs of preterm labour is cramps, low pelvic pressure, change or increase of discharge, back pains, bleeding or waters breaking, seek care immediately.  

Sleep can be effect during pregnancy along with hot flushes, round ligament pains, needing to constantly visit the toilet. Then restless legs, swelling, short of breath and the baby moving, all keeping you awake. Vivid dreams ca be a reason for your lack of sleep. This is very common and starts around this time. This can happen before think week or not at all. But if you do get them they can be very realistic, making you toss and turn all night. A way to manage this is by talking, to your health professional, partner or anyone supporting you, by getting all the questions, worries and things on your mind out can help you control those thoughts that are causing the dreams. Do not keep it in your head, even if you get it out by writing how you feel this will help make sense of your worries or everything that you need to do still.

Ben has been struggling with sleep very early in the pregnancy, first it was needing the toilet a lot, as he was effected by urine infections too. then the heat wave did not help, the baby kicking and just general discomfort that kept him awake. More so keeping me awake too. Whereas he did sleep on and off during the day, due to being on bed rest he did not have much else to do when I was at work. He has been having small naps on and off all day and night but not long deep sleep he needed.

Then recently he has been affected by vivid dreams, waking very upset because of these dreams being so realistic. Upon the fact that it is coming up to Nico one year since he became an angel. He should be one if he survived or 6 months if born on his due date. However we lost him due to an infection. It was this time last year that Ben started to get sick prior to his waters breaking at 16 weeks thus our baby being to ill and small and born sleeping. He became on angel on the 29th of august and it broke us. Therefore Ben is emotional and finding it difficult as it draws close to this time of year. He keeps dreaming that we go for our scan with rainbow and we lose them too. He has flashes of it all happening again. This is then waking him up very distressed. It was going to be hard let alone being pregnant again and having our 28 week scan on this day of Nico's birth. I have just had to hold him, calm and reassure him when he had these dreams. I know these next few weeks are going to be hard. Although we are at a much safer gestation it is still a worry until they are here in our arms, this is made worse by having more scares.

We have seen rainbow again twice these last two weeks and listen to the heartbeat a few times at the hospital. This was due to Ben having reduced movements at 24 weeks and 5 days, where he went 2 days without feeling the baby move. Again a week later he had pressure low down and pain with 3 days of no movement.

Although this is very normal before 28 weeks as the baby has yet to have a pattern of movement, as well as still being small. In addition to the positioning of Ben's placenta being at the front therefore cushioning majority of the movements. We still went in to get checked. This is advised and upon calling the maternity unit they will almost certainly say to come in. So we went in the first time and luckily our specialist happened to be in delivery doing his rounds when he bumped into us. He got us a scan straight away with no delay, showing that our baby was fine. The baby was tucked right up by the placenta with their thump in their month fast asleep. The doctor gave the baby a wiggle to make them move, which they were not happy about. The baby spun around turning their back to us all, before going back to sleep. We heard their heart beat which was perfect, regular and strong. So we went home to sleep, before long the baby starting kicking away again, making u so relieved.

Then a week later Ben had lots of pains and pressure very low, like pushing discomfort in the pelvic area, consequently ending up back in the hospital. Where they listen to baby's heartbeat and checked Ben's stitch, everything was fine and we were sent back home. Nonetheless two days later he still had not felt baby, meaning it had been 3 days since feeling any movement. We were sent to the day assessment centre where they did Ben's blood pressure, urine and listen to baby before sending us round to have a scan on request because we were worried and getting ourselves worked up. They know us well so they do not take much persuading to do a scan. The baby was fine, but had changed position making it difficult for Ben to feel movements. Previously the baby had been head down kicking Ben's side and ribs however now they had turned around so their head is up with their feet right down on Ben's bladder. This is why he is feeling pressure, pains and needing the toilet more often, but not really going. The sonographer told us the baby feet were pushing down as if they are trying to stand up inside the womb. She checked the baby's brain, stomach and size. as well as their heart beat, blood flow in the cord and Ben's blood flow. Everything was as it should be expected. The baby is now weighing slightly above average at 2.3 lbs, which is great as being this weight gives the baby 90% chance of survival if born early. 

This was all reassuring and we could go home happy to rest. later again baby stared kicking really low this time, Ben got so excited grabbing my hand to feel her. furthermore the next few weeks are still going to be hard. As we lead up to this time last year when he had the infection and we lost our first born. Also Ben lost his cousin on the 28th last year the day his waters broke and we then lost Nico on the 29th. Therefore these next few weeks and those two days are going to be extremely difficult. While we are excited and baby is doing well, we are going to be anxious. It is a different pregnancy and we have amazing care, despite this Ben will be on edge and worry it will all happen again.

Now we just have to wait until our next scan at 28 weeks and push through the next two weeks, by keeping busy, keeping Ben rested and both staying positive. In spite of the baby growing well, this little one knows how to keep us on edge and prepare us for the challenges and joys of parenthood.

Scan image from today at 26 weeks.

 (Written at 26 weeks)

24 weeks!!! Finally.

We are 24 weeks!

Finally we have made it to 24 weeks. I almost can not believe we have and our little one is doing amazing. It seems so unreal and it seems fast but also slow at the same time. I feel it has taken us a while to get to this point because of how anxious we have been. Plus as we took an early test we  know we were excepting our rainbow at 3/4 weeks pregnant, before most people find out they are pregnant. thus making it seem longer. 

Whatever the reason and after all we have been though stressing and worrying we would loss another baby. Getting past 16 weeks then having the cervical stitch put in, Ben being signed off work and put on strict bed rest. We are able to relax more and now bond and plan for our rainbow.

We are now able to let more people know, like the rest of my family, some other friends and work colleagues. Most people close to us all now know we are expecting. Everyone is so happy for us and it is so amazing to share and talk about our rainbow baby.

Meaning I can finally make these posts public. So we can share out journey with others. Help support others and just hightligh high risk pregnancies after a lose. To break the stigma of miscarriage as well as LGBT+ families. To show that men can carry babies and that no matter what a family structure looks like as long as there is love that's all that matters!! 

I am off work for the summer too, with the odd few days working, meaning I can be home more with Ben and he is not so alone or bored. We have been sorting the house out and I have been spring cleaning, mainly because I find it hard to relax and stop when I have been working so much. The housework has been neglected a bit therefore, I am able to get around to cleaning. 

While it been good I have also had real trouble shutting off. My OCD is driving me mad. I have literally cleaned everything. Inside and outside of windows, washed everything. Bleach and scrubbed walls, doors, skirting boards. Rearranged our entire house. I have not been sleeping because I want to get up and clean or sort though things. It is so hard with everything I need to do, going round my head. But it does mean that the house is definitely clean and ready for the baby. 

I have cleaned and sorted the rest of the house first to also prevent myself from sorting the babies room and clothes out to early. Today I did start sorting and washing some second hand clothes from our friend and family. However I will try stop myself doing any baby bits until the end of the holidays when we are 28 weeks. I know it is early for most people however once I go back to work in September we really won't have long left and the last weeks will fly by. Plus as Ben can not do anything, due to bed rest. It only leave now while I am off work to sort and clean everything. Then towards the end when Ben can hopefully do abit more we can wash last bits and iron them. 

Ben is now feeling kicks much stronger and more frequently. I also got to feel the baby kick slightly. It was just like a small push against my hand. This was a magical moment, I had never felt a baby move before and so glad to first experience this with our child. I had tears in my eyes. She also giving the cats a good kick when they lay by Ben's bump, which is highly amusing when the cats cannot work out what has kicked them. 

Today we saw the midwive, Mel. Just as a check in, really. She listened to baby and you could really hear them moving around alot. She also got us a resurance scan, so we were able to see our baby again this was so amazing and a peace of mind especially for Ben. Baby is all good, growing well and weighing 1lb 10 oz which is perfect for 24 weeks. Now we have seen and heard our baby and are 24 weeks it is time to relax well at least alittle. 

Only if I can, with this ocd and no sleep. Our next appointment and scan is on the 29th August which is the day Nico was born. He would be one but what a way to spend it to have a scan of our rainbow. We know he be there with us and then we will do a balloon release and candle light for him that evening. 

Here are some photos of Ben's growing Bump, and our scan from today.

                           24 week scan 

(Written at 24 weeks) 

Ben's post - how I feel.

Ben's experience and feeling. 

Pregnancy is suppose to be filled with joy, wonder, excitement and love. Nothing changes this quite like the death of a baby, whether they are stillborn, miscarriage or as a young child. but a pregnancy following a loss is filled with worry and fear as well as all the above it is just damped by that grief.

My first baby died before he even got to take a breath, he was born an angel at 16 weeks and 3 days gestation in august 2018. This nearly killed me, I was so low and the affect that losing our son, Nico had on both of us will stay forever. 

Despite this pain we had in our lives, we longed for a family and wanted to try again. Not to replace Nico, because no one could ever replace him. We just wanted a family, then since our first born was taken away from us we decided after some time that we would try again. I needed time to sort my mental heath out. I was terrified but holding on to the hope that our angel will send us a rainbow baby when he knew we were ready and he will watch over his sibling. 

After Nico's original due date in February, we had a donation. This was our third one, only 7 short months after he passed, I was not excepting to fall. However I took a test on the 13th of March to see the word "pregnant" flashing before my eyes. If this had been a pregnancy without a previous loss  I would have been so happy, with joy and excitement like I was with Nico. Instead I immediately started panicking. I was home alone as Shane was at work, instantly I felt sick to my stomach, hands shaking pacing around, not knowing weather to call Shane or not. I eventually did call him and he reassured me. 

Desperately I tried to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions swirling around my head. Am I happy? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. Yet absolutely terrified? YES YES YES. I just did not know what to feel or how to respond, because Nico was ill and born to early. I had no frame of reference for a "normal" pregnancy. No clue about going full term and having a living healthy baby. I did not think it was possible. 

I knew that it was unlikely to occur again and lots of people who have had miscarriage went on to have healthy babies, but I could not shake the memories of Nico's life ending. To hear those words  'I'm sorry there is no heartbeat' 

I am living moment to moment, at this time just hoping that this little one is here to stay. I was holding it together then other times I was a mess. I was constantly checking if I was bleeding whenever I went to the toilet. Worrying if my pregnancy symptoms were still there, unable to think of anything else. 

I had lots of scans, testing for infections very early on. I had a bit of bleeding early on so had many ultrasounds. Although these all showed that the baby was healthy I still panicked and worried. We just had to keep strong and positive together. I was also having my cervix checked regularly, at 15 weeks it was confirmed that my cervix was shortening so I had to have the cervical stitch put in. I was anxious and stressed that it was not picked up sooner. I had mixed emotions about the surgery but knew it would keep the baby safe. It came with risks but it was worth it to protect our rainbow. It went well and now I just have to rest. I am very bored on bed rest and with nothing to distracted myself from all the worrying it is hard but I am staying positive and doing well. 

At 18 weeks we had a private scan we found out what sex the baby was. We wanted to find out so we could plan and prepare ourselves, I was worried if we have another boy people would think we were replacing Nico. Which would never happen or that it could trigger my depression, so by finding out we just had time to prepare ourselves and bond with this baby. 

While thing are going well and we are now 22 weeks I am terrified that something will happen or go wrong, the fear of losing again and the unknown consumes me day to day. During one of my bereavement sessions I told the therapist about my fear that we were excepting again, she has been very supportive in helping me understand these feelings. That what I am feeling is to be excepted, explainable and can be managed. By instead of trying to predict whether things were going alright, reminding myself that even if the worst happens again I can not do anything about it. That I should stay in the present moment. Then if or went the present moment bring on something difficult then I can panic, worry and deal with it. alternatively trusting that no matter what I can get through it. This has been the key and what I have reminded myself.  

Yes it is true that I have survived the unimaginable and I am starting to heal. I know that by thinking too far into the future, I am only creating more anxiety and panic for myself, which is not good for the baby either. All I knew in the moment is that I am pregnant and that it is all perfect. I know that by trying to be mindful and stay positive I will reduce unnecessary suffering. I have to just keep positive live in the present time and do everything that I need for this pregnancy and this baby.

I decided that I will take things as they come, within that moment. If I start to panic I remind myself  that rainbow if okay, It is hard, believe me but it creates space for joy and excitement. To allow myself to enjoy the pregnancy experience and bond with our little one. The joy has started to consumes more time then fear, but the fear still lingers in the background. 

At first I could not connect to the fact I was pregnant again after losing Nico, nevertheless once we got passed 16 week I started to fell more relaxed and joy about excepting again. Now we are 22 weeks I have connected more with rainbow, I still felt guilty that I can not fully enjoy the pregnancy. I do not know if this is because of my grief or because I can not feel baby moving regularly yet. I have only felt a few flutters over the last few days. I do feel bad that I have not fully connected to rainbow like I did with Nico, this is making me feel low as I do really want this baby. I guess it is just hard with everything that has happened. I will always be scared it will happen again until the baby is here alive and safe.

Maybe once I feel our baby moving more, it will help, it will just be hard as we have not got another scan planned until 28 weeks. Which is on the day of Nico's birth anniversary. I have mixed feeling as it will be lovely to see our little one but hard as well. Also looking at booking another private 4D scan which may help it seem more real. Right now I am just keeping rested, doing what I have to in order to keep this baby safe and protected. I am staying positive and am excited more to plan and have our rainbow here. 

(Written at 22 weeks)

Anomaly Scan

Anomaly Scan at 21 weeks. 

An anomaly scan is done between 18-21 weeks, it is where the babies physical development will be looked at in more detail. the sonographier will examine the baby's bones, heart, brain, kidneys, face and spinal cord. This is to rule out any conditions. They look for 11 rare conditions for example cleft lip, heart defects or open spinal bifida, but not everything can be picked up on the scan. If anything is found then further scans maybe needed, with specialist or treatment will be planned for when the baby is born. in rare cases they may not be any treatment or surgery as many conditions are unknown so there is nothing that can be done. 

We had our scan at 21 weeks and 1 day. Ben laid down and the sonographer first had a look to get a good view of the baby. She spoke to us through the whole scan, what she was looking for and what parts of the baby she was examine in detail. As usual our little rainbow was being shy and difficult. The baby was laying low down with their head tucked against the placenta. Rainbows hands where up against their face and was not moving. The sonographer had to tilt the bed up and give Ben's belly a little shake to encourage our baby to move. Eventually she was able to get a clear view of the babies face, spinal cord and organs. Our rainbow was perfect, was developing very well and their is no signs of any conditions or delay in growth. They were measuring at the right gestational. We got some lovely photos of their foot, hand and face. The sonographier confirm the sex which was what we were previously told at a private scan. 

After our scan we had an appointment with Mel and Austin our specialist. everything seemed really well, Lorraine the mental health midwives come in to just check in with Ben too. We were given more blood clot injections and told to continue bed rest with 4 hours upright or out in the wheelchair. That he was now allowed a bath but with just warm water and no products in or he was not to wash in the bath only a shower. Ben was also given pessary to treat thrush. One concern was that they did find sugar (glucose) in his urine therefore he had to go in the following day for a glucose test for Gestational Diabetes.  

We were booked for another scan and appointment at 28 weeks where we would then discuss having a caesarean section further and hopefully get a date or rough timing to have our baby. 

Gestational Diabetes 

Gestational Diabetes is high blood sugar that develops during pregnancy due to the body not being able to produce enough insulin, which is a hormone that controls sugar levels. Normally it occur at the end of the second trimester although it can develop at any stage. Most of the time it goes away after giving birth, but can increase the risk of later developing types 2 diabetes. There are risk factors like high BMI, previously having large babies, family history of diabetes, while it can also just develop. It can be managed with diet and exercise, then regulated with medication if needed. In most cases it does not cause immediate risk to ones self or the baby, there can be complications if it is not treated and regulated within pregnancy. These complications include having larger babies, developing pre-eclampsia, which is very dangerous in pregnancy. As well as pre term labour or rare cases stillborn. 

The next day he went in for the test. He had to fast the night before, meaning no food or water from midnight. They started with a blood test before getting him to drink a sugar drink within 10 minutes. He then had to wait two hours for them to repeat the blood test. This is to see how his body handles sugar, how much insulin he produced and just generally how he processed sugar as energy.  This was worrying if Ben had diabetes. He had risk factors of BMI above 30 due to not losing weight from the previous pregnancy with Nico, as well as being put on bed rest meaning he was not able to exercise. We do eat healthy and all the thing they say like high protein, fruit and veg. no fatty, oily foods, plenty of high fibre with low carb diet. Only he would have to cut down on bread and fresh juice which has high sugar. Thankfully his test came back negative, tho they booked him in for another at 28 weeks to retest which he would of had anyways. That the sugar in his urine could of been just something he had that morning, e.g. passion fruit and mango ice smoothie from Costa, or the fact he had thrush and a urine injection. at least for now he did not have Gestational Diabetes. 

We could just relax and know the baby was fine. that our rainbow baby was growing and developing perfectly. Ben was healthy and the stitch was doing its job. Now to just rest and get through the weeks. 

photos of our scan and bump growing.

References: 

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gestational-diabetes/

(Written at 21 weeks)

babies movements

Feeling baby move. 

Have you felt them move yet? Ben had been asked this a lot, I am sure many pregnant people can relate to how this question can be a great thing or very frustrating. 

There are many different guild lines to when and what stage in ones pregnancy that movements should first be felt. Many are made to feel concerned that they have not yet felt movement or that something is wrong if someone else has felt movements by a certain week and you have not. alternatively if someone else seems to feel the baby more then you feel yours, resulting in panic and stress. This causes distress at foremost but on the other hand if you are worried always go and get checked. Midwives will always tell people to come in if they feel that movements have reduced or they are worried about a change or lack of movements. They will always see you and monitor baby just to make sure everything is okay. 

But other people and our own worried minds are our worse enemy. so these are some things we have experienced, or learnt. 

advise about fetal movements from Tommy's- 

Fetal movements can be anything from flutters, kicks, rolls and twists. which will progress and change through the pregnancy. Most people feel something between 18-24 weeks, if it is your first pregnancy you may not notice early flutters and might not feel movements until more then 20+ weeks pregnant. While some who have previously been pregnant might feel it early on because, they know what to feel for. However ever pregnancy is different, meaning it will depend on your own baby's pattern that your will get to know further into the pregnancy. This is what your should compare; what is normal for your baby, not other people's babies. 

A few things can affect feeling the baby's movements regularly, if you are active and busy, providing that you make time to lay down, to concentrate on the baby's movements, meanwhile laying down a lot for example, when on bed rest, this can make the baby less active. Another reason is if your placenta is at the front of the uterus, it may not be easy to feel the baby's movements. since it cushions their kicks. This is very common but, not well spoken about or explained by medical professionals. If your baby is also laying with their back at the front of the uterus, you may feel fewer movements but get a sore back and the kicks are towards your back not belly. Nonetheless you should never assume this is why you can not feel the baby's movements. Do not rely on home Doppler to check the baby's heartbeat yourself. This can give false reassurance and midwives will advise against these. While people do use them, we have used one ourselves but they should not be used regularly and never as self diagnosis, only as bonding. We always go and get checked and do not use Doppler instead of being checked. This is because professions know what they are looking for, if your not trained the noises of the blood vessels, the cord, placenta and the fluid or even your own heartbeat can be confused for the baby's, giving false reassurance. Being that the baby is still so small, with lots of room to move around finding their heartbeat could be hard. Causing people to panic when everything is actually fine. 

If you think your baby's movements have slowed down, stopped or changed contact your midwife or maternity unit immediately. It is always best to get checked, where you will be monitored, have other checks, like blood pressure, urine sample and the baby's heart rate checked. You may be sent for more checks or an ultrasound if needed. While in most cases reduced movements, or changes in patterns present that the baby is okay, always go get check! Reduced or no movements passed 24 weeks could be an early sign that baby is unwell, hence early treatment could save the baby. Never wait until morning whatever time of day or if you are worried go get checked immediately!!

additionally others can also make you more concerned or worries when their is no need to be. We have experienced this ourselves, as early as 16 weeks when we first went into hospital preparing for surgery. We had midwives asking Ben if he has felt movements yet. This automatically made him think am I meant to feel it by now, that something is wrong especially when being asked by medical professionals. Not just everyday people or reading online that others are feeling movements early. I could tell Ben was a little worried, by being constantly asked this by each nurse or midwife that cared for us during that week. Although technically this was his second pregnancy they just assumed he should feel something by now. Yes, while this was Ben's second pregnancy, he did not feeling anything with Nico as he was born sleeping far to early and too small for Ben to start feeling him kick. bearing this in mind he did not know what to expect or what these movements would feel like. Everyone was telling him oh they are just flutters, like butterflies or pop corn, little swipes across the inside. So this worried him the further we went on and he was still not feeling any movements.

Nevertheless knowing it was still early and that he would feel it when baby was ready. On our scan's the baby was jumping, turning and kicking so much, even at our private scan the sonographier said that the baby was so active, that when Ben does start to feel them they will never stop wiggling. That is was normal to still not feel anything at 18 weeks even for second time pregnancies. As it depends on where baby is and where the placenta is. Ben's placenta seemed to be at the front of the baby and they were right up against it. The placenta was more then likely cushioning the small subtle movements too.

Evan by 20 weeks he had still not felt anything and everyone was still asking if he felt any kicks, when reading on some of the pregnancy apps or books stating you should be feeling baby move, that they will be stronger and more regular. Yet he had not felt or had not noticed if he had any flutters. This would put pressure and anxieties for most people more so first time parents or high risk pregnancy's like ours. We knew anyhow that is was common, nothing to worry about. concluding this; we wanted to highlight that it is okay to not feel movements or regular patterns before 24 weeks. of course if you do and they reduce, change or worried at all go seek medical advise or go get checked.

On various forums or Facebook pages I am on I see people so worried that they have not felt movements or they get a flutter then do not feel anything for a while, which is all fine so early on. That while some people say they feel movements well before 16 weeks this could be gas, the waters moving or just muscle. It could be early flutters caused by the baby despite this it is also common to not feel anything past 20 weeks or before 24.

Ben felt movements. 

Eventually Ben did feel small flutters, he was 20 weeks and 4 days. After a trip to the hospital the night before due to pain, he did try to lay and concentrated on feeling the baby but had no luck. He then got up, went to the toilet before having breakfast, to lay on the sofa. He did move around a bit, which I think helped since most of the time he is laying down. Later that morning, I was blogging and Ben was googling baby stuff, he had his phone resting on his belly when he felt what was like a swipes along the inside of his tummy, right where his phone was. It was like the baby knew and our rainbow was giving us a sign, letting us know they were there.  Either agreeing or disagree at whatever Ben was looking at. He got two more little flutters, that shocked him so he then knew what people were explaining about feeling flutters. This was so special his first proper sign that rainbow is moving round in there. Now we can not wait for our scan in 4 days, and for more regular movements,  until I can feel our baby kick too. I have never felt this and although other people around me are pregnant I have avoided feeling a baby kick because I want my baby to be the first movements that I feel. It will make it even more special.

Top Tip:

Get to know your own babies movements, patterns and what is normal for you not others. Stay calm and rest by lay on your left side and concentrate on feeling your baby, eat or drink something cold and remember babies have periods of sleep in the womb but if you are worried at all then seek medical assistance immediately. DO NOT WAIT. 

References:

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy/symptom-checker/baby-fetal-movements

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/baby-movements-pregnant/

(Written at 20 weeks) 

update, out and about, more scares.

First time getting out properly.

Firstly a brief update on how Ben is doing, so it has now been 4 weeks since he had the stitch put in, seems like such a long time ago. Ben had be on bed rest either laying in bed or on the sofa, only getting up to go toilet, shower or grab things from the fridge. I have been busy making sure he has everything he needs, my day is getting up moving Ben and everything he needed into the front room, making him breakfast, making sure he has snacks, lunch and water all in the fridge or at arms length. Doing his progression. feeding and cleaning the cats and washing or hanging clothes up all before 7 am. Then going off to work. I am working 4 jobs to save money, not getting home until 6 sometimes 8 at night. To then do dinner, clean, feed cats again, sort washing and anything that needs doing aka shopping, hoovering, showering and helping Ben. Then doing his progression and injections each night. Thus not getting into bed or sitting down til 9/10 every night. I am unable to sleep, just overthinking and planning on everything that needs doing still, or just because I am worrying. Ben also getting up to go toilet or tossing and turning to get comfy keeps us both awake.

He sleeps a lot during the day mainly to pass time out of boredom and due to this his sleeping pattern is all over the place, he is uncomfortable with aches and pains which affects both our sleep. At the moment it is so hot for London this time of year, we have windows open and fan on but with pregnancy hot sweats and 28+ degree heat it making sleeping difficult for Ben and then for myself. His general aches, back pain and around ligaments stretching also keeps Ben awake. Apart from this he is doing well, so is the baby. Ben is keeping busy and most importantly keeping to the bed rest which is hard for him, not only physically with aches and heat and boredom, but mentally too. He is used to being busy and active. therefore with nothing to keep him active and distracted, he is left with his thoughts or worry and anxieties. It effects his mental strength to just keep positive and his mind busy. 

Other then a few trips to his aunts house where he is literally in the car 2 minutes to her house, lays on her sofa or lounge chairs in the garden, then back in the car to lay in bed again. He has not be out. We went in the car to our private scan with my dad and Kim, however again was round the corner then to come back and lay down. He is allowed out in a wheelchair which we have only just got. when we was at the hospital he was told that he is not allowed to walk around a lot, that he was allowed 4 hours upright or sitting each day. In account of this we planned to get him out for a bit, the weather has been so nice and he is struck in door, he needed to just be out and around people for his mental well being. Since there was a fate at my school for our charity and we had Logan for the weekend we decided to go for an hour. I pushed him in the wheelchair and we get the bus there and back for an hour. 

It was a lovely day and was really good to be out. Ben got to see some of the kids from my school who he had previously worked with as well as some colleagues. Logan had a good time, we played some games and he won prizes. However Ben started to get tired and had a few pains so we headed back. It was so busy and the bus took a long time due to Wimbledon tennis being on too.

More scares, this baby keeps us on edge

On the bus Ben's pains got worse, they were sharp stabbing pains on the right lower side. I felt so bad, I was anxious about taking him out and would never forgive myself if anything happened. Trying to stay calm and reassure him, while looking after Logan and it being busy was hard. Again it felt like I was just going to crack and scream. I made Ben ring the hospital who encouraged us to come in and get checked. So off to the hospital we went, more so it was vital to get checked with us being there last Sunday because Ben got a bit of spotting. it was even more important to just get checked. 

Last week at 19 weeks, 4 days Ben had a small amount of spotting, he had a few cramps and back pains however all this can be common in pregnancy. considering our history, plus having these symptoms together whether it is just due to being achy on bed rest, from his uterus growing or if it was linked, they will always advise to get checked if your worried about anything. It did end up being nothing to worry about, meaning we were not to worried this time with just pain. He had got this pain yesterday after being sick so I believed he just pulled a muscle. 

We had to wait a bit longer this time but at least we get seen in delivery triage instead of having to go to A&E. Luckily as Ben has the stitch in and with previous history. They did general observations, which was fine his blood pressure was a little low and heart rate a bit high but all normal for being on bed rest and then being a little worried would raise his heart rate. They listen to babies heartbeat which was regular and strong. Our rainbow was doing fine. The doctor also had a look and confirmed the stitch is all still in place and his cervix is long and closed. This was really reassuring. They did notice he had a bit of protein in his urine which he had already been given antibiotic from GP for having a urine infection, they also said from swabs that he had a bit of thrush again to so to use cream again. 

After knowing everything was okay we went back home to rest. It had been a long and busy day, Ben's pains stopped and midwife said it was nothing to worry about. It is normal as around ligament stretching can be painful as the baby and uterus grows. That the baby can kick or sit on nerves or it is common to just pull muscle and they stretch. On the way out we bumped into our specialist midwife Mel who said she would check Ben's urine and swabs on Thursday when we had our next appointment with her and when we had our 21 week scan.  

So a few more days and we can know more, see our baby again and get a better plan for the next few months of this pregnancy.

(Written at 20 weeks)